The thirteen finalists make their way to their new house in their new, environmentally green vehicle. Tyra has apparently decided that this season is all about modeling with a message, and the first message is that, like, bad stuff is happening to the earth that is making it more worser and stuff. To that end, look for Al Gore to be a guest panelist in Episode Five. The second message has to do with smoking. Smoking, in case you haven't heard, is really bad for you. The girls do a double shoot in which they look all pretty and smoky on one side, but their reflection in a mirror shows them suffering from many of the medical ills or side effects that result from smoking. This means that we see girls variously sporting a tracheotomy hole, a face tumor, and burns all over the face, among other afflictions. And, you know, I get the whole "debatable beauty" bit, but I would bet you $20,000 that you are certainly not going to see a tracheotomy hole in a Chanel ad. Mila thinks that her lack of hair from chemotherapy is a riot. It is, if you're an idiot. After the shoot, Bianca and Lisa get into a bit of a row, which reaches its peak when Bianca brings up the fact that America's Next Top Model might not give lap dances in a bikini. The two make shaky amends later, but Bianca admits to us that she only pretended to be cool so that her nasty behavior wouldn't come up at panel. Bee. Yotch. Saleisha wins points for having the best personal style in an Old Navy clothing challenge, and her prizes include an appearance in an Old Navy ad and a $1,000 shopping spree at the store. That will buy approximately 20,000 pairs of ill-fitting pants. Heather's social awkwardness comes into play as she feels like a bit of an outcast, and no wonder, as a lot of the girls talk about how weird she is behind her back. I have to say that seeing her sad made me really sad. She seems like a nice girl. She sticks it to the other bitches, though, when she's called first at panel! Woo! Ebony, meanwhile, is totally not a bitch! She tries to keep it cool so the other girls don't hate her, and ends up sort of screwing herself modeling-wise in the process. You know, because she's so closed off! She lands in the bottom two with Mila. Happily, the bubblehead is burst, and Mila is sent home. Meanwhile, Tyra announces that it's a non-smoking season! Ostensibly, this is because she's taking a stand for health, but I'm sure the fact that it's going to make some folks go from fun-bitch to bitch-bitch doesn't hurt either.
Previously on ANTM: Thirty-five semi-finalists set sail on a cruise ship with Tyra and the Jays, but they only told us about thirty-three, because the other two went missing. Hey, that's what happens when you go on a cruise. Allegedly. We met Yalie smarty-pants Victoria, nasty stanky-pants Ebony, and awkward Asperger's-pants Heather. Wow, the girl who gets kicked off this episode is so insignificant that they don't even show her in the previews!
We open the episode with Mila, who always, like, thought she could be a model and stuff, so here she is! A model for Double Bubble, maybe. In contrast, we have Lisa, who was in foster care and saw every kind of hurt. Yeah, yeah, we heard about that in the last episode. She knows she's going to give this competition all she has. I believe that. Janet wanted to get out of her small town of Bainbridge, Georgia. So move! I hate when the girls say that. Save up your pocket change and buy a bus ticket. God. Janet is here to compete and learn as much as she can about fashion. Heather gives us a rundown of Asperger's: it's a mild form of autism, and often, people who have it are very socially awkward. Heather's top priority is learning and having a good experience. Well, then, she might want to start poisoning some bitches.
The girls meet Jay in L.A.'s fashion district, where he tells them they'll truly get the competition started. Victoria says she's never been west of Chicago, so L.A. is a different world for her. She looks like she got there in a covered wagon. She adds that now, she has to bring on her super-nerdy skills in terms of fashion modeling. The first way she does this is by always saying "fashion modeling." I guess she has to make a distinction from the DNA modeling that she usually does. Jay tells the girls he has something special to show them, and to come with him. Kids at home, NEVER follow a strange orange man who says this to you.
Jay leads the girls outside, where they find their new vehicle -- a literally and figuratively green bus. It runs on 100% biodiesel fuel, and has the slogan "Green Is The New Black" painted on it. Honest to God, most of the girls can barely muster up any excitement for this. They probably think it runs on frogs. Jay tells them that this season, Tyra wanted to pay special attention to the environment. So I guess her weaves are going to be totally biodegradable? Mila says, and I have to quote this directly, "I'm pretty supportive of the environmental kick, and it really is important to...just to be aware of, like...what keeps our earth...good." Right now, Al Gore is kicking himself for not coming up with the catch phrase "Just be aware of what keeps our earth good." And Brad Pitt is kicking Angie on the couch and yelling, "She totally stole my idea!" Jay tells the girls that the Green Machine is going to take them back to their house, and tomorrow they'll have their first photo shoot. In saying "to-MORE-row," Jay totally exposes his Canadian roots.