America's Next Top Model

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Smoke Gets In Your Eyes
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Previously on ANTM: Thirty-five semi-finalists set sail on a cruise ship with Tyra and the Jays, but they only told us about thirty-three, because the other two went missing. Hey, that's what happens when you go on a cruise. Allegedly. We met Yalie smarty-pants Victoria, nasty stanky-pants Ebony, and awkward Asperger's-pants Heather. Wow, the girl who gets kicked off this episode is so insignificant that they don't even show her in the previews!

We open the episode with Mila, who always, like, thought she could be a model and stuff, so here she is! A model for Double Bubble, maybe. In contrast, we have Lisa, who was in foster care and saw every kind of hurt. Yeah, yeah, we heard about that in the last episode. She knows she's going to give this competition all she has. I believe that. Janet wanted to get out of her small town of Bainbridge, Georgia. So move! I hate when the girls say that. Save up your pocket change and buy a bus ticket. God. Janet is here to compete and learn as much as she can about fashion. Heather gives us a rundown of Asperger's: it's a mild form of autism, and often, people who have it are very socially awkward. Heather's top priority is learning and having a good experience. Well, then, she might want to start poisoning some bitches.

The girls meet Jay in L.A.'s fashion district, where he tells them they'll truly get the competition started. Victoria says she's never been west of Chicago, so L.A. is a different world for her. She looks like she got there in a covered wagon. She adds that now, she has to bring on her super-nerdy skills in terms of fashion modeling. The first way she does this is by always saying "fashion modeling." I guess she has to make a distinction from the DNA modeling that she usually does. Jay tells the girls he has something special to show them, and to come with him. Kids at home, NEVER follow a strange orange man who says this to you.

Jay leads the girls outside, where they find their new vehicle -- a literally and figuratively green bus. It runs on 100% biodiesel fuel, and has the slogan "Green Is The New Black" painted on it. Honest to God, most of the girls can barely muster up any excitement for this. They probably think it runs on frogs. Jay tells them that this season, Tyra wanted to pay special attention to the environment. So I guess her weaves are going to be totally biodegradable? Mila says, and I have to quote this directly, "I'm pretty supportive of the environmental kick, and it really is important to...just to be aware of, like...what keeps our earth...good." Right now, Al Gore is kicking himself for not coming up with the catch phrase "Just be aware of what keeps our earth good." And Brad Pitt is kicking Angie on the couch and yelling, "She totally stole my idea!" Jay tells the girls that the Green Machine is going to take them back to their house, and tomorrow they'll have their first photo shoot. In saying "to-MORE-row," Jay totally exposes his Canadian roots.

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America's Next Top Model

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