America's Next Top Model

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Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

And then, it's Jaslene's Life as a Cover Girl. She goes to L.A. for the Teen Choice Awards. It's really hard to understand anything she's saying, with the exception of, "Super long-lasting shimmery shine."

When we return, the girls are visited by a spiffy-looking Miss J. He notes that cycle after cycle, girls have some styling issues, and he tells them to have a few basic items such as simple dresses and simple skirts. He adds that nobody wants to know which color your G-string is. Amen, sister! Seriously, women out there: do a little bend/squat test with a rear-facing mirror before you leave the house. It's not that hard. Miss J. notes that they do want each girl to keep her personal style, unless, of course, that style sucks. The girls get to go to Old Navy to buy some simple items with which to impress the judges at panel. Lisa is really excited, I guess because she's poor. Miss J. tells us that a lot of girls don't succeed in the fashion world because they don't listen. He hopes that's not the case with the thirteen finalists.

When the girls get to Old Navy, they meet posing instructor Benny Ninja, who is wearing one of everything from the store's "Gay Flapper Soldier Is Burning" collection. He explains that they might recognize him from Cycle 8, when he taught the girls how to pose and move through the laser beam challenge. They flash back, and at this point, the friend I was watching the show with, who is not an avid ANTM watcher, said, "LASER BEAM CHALLENGE?" and started dying. Sometimes, because I am so immersed, I forget how truly ridiculous this show is. Benny says that the girls have ten minutes to pick an outfit that will impress the judges, and the winner will be chosen at panel. The girls rush, they shop, they trash the store. Which means it now looks exactly like any other Old Navy you've ever seen. Jenah notes that Heather is having some trouble. The rest of the girls are running around looking for what's trendy, but Heather, says Jenah, doesn't even know what "trendy" is. She has Asperger's, she's not the Girl In The Bubble. The girls have to rush back to Benny when their ten minutes are up, and Ebony isn't wearing any pants. Honestly, she looks like your garden-variety Hollywood starlet. Benny bids the girls hasta la vista and heads back to the world of real drag queens.

Tyra Mail! Someone's going home. Heather is nervous, but says she's remembering her mom's advice: if you lose, you only lose once, but if you win, you win really big. With that kind of parental advice, it's no wonder Heather has ADHD. What does that even mean?

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America's Next Top Model

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