America's Next Top Model

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Glaminate Me, Oh Fierce Tyrabot!
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Hello ladies! And gentlemen! And flamboyant gentlemen! If you can believe it, we've been through 10 cycles of Top Model in our lifetime. Tyra calls this a decade, even though it all happened in five years, which confirms for us that she has her own special relationship with the time-space continuum. To celebrate the commencement of "decade" two, we're going back to L.A. Tyra tries, as she does at the beginning of every L.A. season, to convince us that L.A. is the epicenter of the fashion world, because it is where she sprung fully formed from her own giant forehead. In the beginning was the forehead.

So, per usual, there are 33 semi-finalists, all of whom are on a bus. We are first introduced to Hannah, 18, from Fairbanks, Alaska. She tells us that Alaska is sooooo different from L.A., because they don't have freeways and they don't have people. Hannah will only become interesting if it turns out she is Bristol Palin in disguise. I bet you didn't know the McCain campaign was pro-fierce, did you? Oh, dear, and then one semi-finalist says to another, "You have a great advantage 'cause you're the only Oriental girl here." I'm going to have to find that girl and give her the same speech I always give my mom. In any case, the girl with the advantage in question is Sheena, 21, from Harlem, who says that she's not your typical Asian-American female. Basically, Sheena is a bad-ass sistah in Kimora Lee Simmons' body. Or, I should say, a badder-assed sistah.

A screen caption tells us that we are somewhere in the San Fernando Valley, present day. And then a random neon green lightning bolt runs down the corner of a warehouse-looking building. How... futuristic, in a very cable-access way. The girls line up outside of the building, and then a door opens to reveal the two Jays...from THE FUTURE! Apparently in the future all gay men will be required to wear white pants, silver lamé sweatshirts, and gray or white wigs. Do you ever see those tiny little dogs dressed up in ridiculous outfits and wonder if they have the consciousness to feel embarrassment? Yeah. I will give Jay Manuel that the white/silver combination really makes his tangerine skin pop. I mentioned in the recaplet that Miss J. looks like he stole Carol Channing's wig, which led me to dream that Carol Channing herself wrote me fan mail to say she appreciated the mention. Because you know Carol Channing's out there reading TWoP in her chaise longue or crypt or whatever. Veronique, 19, from Riverside, California, tells us that it is every girl's dream -- and, probably, every guy's dream -- to stand in front of the Jays. Or behind the Jays.

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America's Next Top Model

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