America's Next Top Model

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Glaminate Me, Oh Fierce Tyrabot!

Miss J. welcomes everyone to the Top Model Institute of Technology, whose motto is: "We build better models." Well, maybe we can take Naima in for some repair work, then? This is apparently a highly classified operation. The CIA has all details of it filed under "R" for "really fucking stupid." Jay Manuel has his hand scanned on, like, a Simon, and the doors of TMIT officially open. Once inside, a robot Tyra voice tells all the girls to wardrobe up in some rubber body suits and booties, and then proceed to the body scan station. The body scan room looks a lot like the room where Mike TeeVee was miniaturized in the original Willy Wonka. You know that Tyra is already stuck in a chocolate extraction pipe somewhere on the premises.

So, the body scans are of course really just photos, enhanced by some super high-tech, neon green, post-production effects. I hope Bankable Productions paid that high-school AV club something comparable to union wages for their hard work. We meet Brittney B., 18 from Chicago, who is awfully overconfident. Next up is Elina, 18, from Seattle. Elina has dedicated her life not only to modeling, but to animal liberation activism. She's been a vegan since seventh grade and, like all vegans, is looking for a fucking medal because of it. Er, I mean, meat is murder! Textured soy protein forever! Kacey, 19, from Palmdale, California, assures us that she is in no way ghetto, as evidenced by the fact that she is not named Layshaquita Lacamita. That's totally my grandma's name. I am so offended right now. We learn that the previously mentioned Veronique is a Mormon. That is old news. If Tyra really wants to pique our interest after 10 seasons, she needs to get one of those girls from the Yearning for Zion Ranch, stat. Who knows what fierceness can be found under those pioneer dresses?

Once the body scans are complete, the girls line up again in front of the Jays, who are themselves in front of giant glass rainbow pyramids. Because if Top Model can reliably be counted on for anything, it's turning us into a nation of big ol' queers subliminally as well as overtly. The girls then must have their runway walks analyzed scientifically, with their various coordinates being projected on the first computer ever invented. When Tyra's not looking, the Jays totally play Pong on that thing. Isis, 22, from Prince George's County, Maryland, tells us that she's always been interested in the catwalk. Isis is wearing the world's most giant hoop earrings, which may or may not be intended to distract us from some of her other, more personal coordinates. Clark, 19, from Pawleys Island, South Carolina, tells us that she's a shark, and she's looking for little fish to tromp over. One day Clark is going to realize that sharks don't have legs, and a lot of things will fall into place for her. Sheena gets to the end of the runway and starts to unzip her rubber bodysuit. As you do. We meet Joslyn, 23, from the impossibly named Lucky, Louisiana. Joslyn has tried out for Top Model over 30 TIMES. I guess this means Joslyn is legitimately from the future! It's all finally coming together! Joslyn's persistence is borne out of a desire to be an example to others that sometimes you really should get the hint the first 29 times you do an utterly futile thing.

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America's Next Top Model

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