America's Next Top Model

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Glaminate Me, Oh Fierce Tyrabot!

And now it's the moment you've all been waiting for, when the girls get to step into the Glaminator 11.0 to have all their data recorded... Why, yes, I DID say, "step into the Glaminator 11.0." Why are you looking at me like that? If nothing else, the Glaminator 11.0 gives me my first real reason to love Sheena when she says, "I was like, they got technology like that?" NASA scientists have worked years on perfecting the Glaminator in secret, but we can now finally make good on the promise of becoming a better looking, fiercer nation. Take that, Russians! But wait! The Glaminator appears to be malfunctioning! How else to explain the neon lightning bolts shooting out of its sides? System overload! System overload! Actually, make that system "over it," as Tyra -- nay, TYRABOT -- emerges. It's amazing how silver lipstick is the universal symbol for "robot from the future, come to eat brains and embark upon world domination." Tyrabot tells the girls that she's looking for young ladies who can make money. We figured that out 10 seasons ago, you greedy robo-ho. This may be Tyra's finest acting performance ever, and she's clearly taken inspiration from reruns of Small Wonder. After a few moments, Tyra and the Jays are beamed up... fiercely. As if they haven't gone through humiliations enough already, the poor semi-finalists have to look around all, "Where did they go?!?!" Take this time to ponder what the line item for special effects looks like in the Top Model budget as we head to commercials.

Tyra and the Jays (Alpha J. and Beta Jay, that is) are beamed into the interview room and prepare to see who's bankable. Jay Manuel at least managed to put on some normal pants while he was vaporized. First in front of panel is Brittney B. She's got her game face on and is hella confident. She tells Tyra she knows she's already won. And she doesn't mean it in the nice way, like, "I won because I get to stand here in front of the Great and Terrible Tyra Banks! We're all winners!" She means it in the way of she thinks she smoked the competition just by virtue of her stankitude. Jay asks who Brittney B.'s favorite designer is, and B.B. says she doesn't know because that's not accessible to her. Yeah, you guys from the Midwest know that it's really impossible to find a magazine in Chicago. Tyra calls bullshit and says she's not there to be B.B.'s damn Fashion 101 schoomarm. B.B. walks in her bikini, whilst clutching her lucky underwear in her hand. It's B.B.'s tragedy that she's a big weirdo in a completely uninteresting way. Nonetheless, Jay thinks her energy on the runway would be stunning.

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America's Next Top Model

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