America's Next Top Model

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Glaminate Me, Oh Fierce Tyrabot!

Next up we have Lauren Brie, 20, whose dad is the chief of police. On Cheesemonger Island. He will apparently let guys who are interested in Lauren Brie see the gun on his ankle, but stops just short of actually shooting them. Because who wants to date a hunk of swiss? Lauren Brie thinks she's exotic-looking, perhaps because of her part-skim heritage. She's very blonde and blue-eyed. You've never seen anything like it, I know. Next up is Analeigh, 19, who used to be a figure skater. Analeigh is awfully pretty, and has a giant bling peace sign around her neck. Analeigh also got involved in some sort of scam where she thought she was going to be signed to an agency, but in fact she was sold to a Saudi Arabian prince. It's kind of like the time on Absolutely Fabulous that Eddie sold Saffy into slavery in Marrakech, except a little less riotously funny. I bet somewhere in America Tonya Harding is watching, and lamenting the fact that she never got sold to the Saudis as part of some nefarious human trafficking endeavor as well.

The girls make a Soul Train line while waiting around, and Clark reminds us for the second of 333,000 times that she's a giant beeyotch. She'll manipulate a girl in a heartbeat, she says, if she can gain something from it. We are free to judge her if we want, but she thinks she's just competitive. She has that freaky dead-eyed stare like Allison from last season, and proves the theory that the white bitches are really not all that entertaining. Believe me, it makes me very sad for my race. Clark appears in front of the panel, and Tyra asks who she thinks the prettiest semi-finalist is. Clark thinks that she, herself is the prettiest. Jay asks if she has any insecurities. Clark isn't insecure about her body, but her voice kind of cracks when she says that she's hard on herself and wants nothing but perfection. Oh, issues. Clark is frighteningly determined, but she does have kind of a fly body. Tyra wants to slap the veneer right off Clark, while Jay wants to take a nap. Methinks a bitch breakdown is going to happen right around episode five.

Next up is Kacey, 19, from Palmdale, California. Kacey's family likes to crack on her by calling her "white girl," because she used to have a lot of white friends. What came between Kacey and her white friends, you may ask? A big, chlorinated pool. All of Kacey's friends wanted to go swimming and didn't understand why she couldn't. As it happens, part of it has to do with the fact that she can't swim, and part of it has to do with her hair. That's when you stand in the water up to your waist, fool. Tyra tokens that she has lots of white friends and doesn't discriminate on the basis of hairgnorance.

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America's Next Top Model

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