America's Next Top Model

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Glaminate Me, Oh Fierce Tyrabot!

Joslyn is next before the panel, and squeakily talks about what a squeaky voice she has. Tyra wants Joslyn to sell a towel complete with squeaky voice. Joslyn squeaks that if we buy this particular towel, we will have a wet-free body. Hey, I've been trying to get my body wet-free for years but just hadn't figured out how. Sold! Joslyn reminds the panel that she's auditioned over thirty times. Each cycle, she goes to two or three different auditions. I think Joslyn is there to teach us a lesson about tenacity, but all it really does is remind us that there are some deluded hos out there in the world. Jay isn't so sure about her squeak.

Next up is Renee, 19, from Inglewood, Tennessee. Renee is interested in making Nashville known as a fashion mecca. She'll get to focus her energies on that when she doesn't make it to the final 14. We quickly move on to Elina the vegan. I should note that Elina never actually wears clothes into the panel room -- she just walks right in wearing her bathing suit, complete with wet hair. The hell? Elina reminds the panel that she's a vegan and an animal liberation activist, and Tyra asks how she felt about the Cycle 10 slaughterhouse shoot. Elina was shocked, and doesn't think she could have done it. Just wait until she sees Tyra gnawing on a rib bone day in and day out. Elina only wears black and tan. Tyra asks why this is, even though the rest of us have zero interest in finding out. Turns out Elina doesn't want to wear anything that's gender role-specific. What about green? Or yellow? Or any color that Isis wears? Tyra asks Elina if she's a lesbian. As it happens, Elina is just a ho, no matter what gender is put in front of her. And frankly, I can get down with that. It's the taking herself so seriously that's offputting. Tyra thinks that Elina is stunning, but something about her just doesn't say model. What Tyra doesn't know is that Elina is here on a secret PETA mission to liberate the Jays.

Before we move on from Elina, we see several of the girls sitting around a table and talking, and one notes how hot Tyra is. The conversation turns, as it will, to whether anyone there is a big lez. Elina admits that she's had relationships with women before. Veronique the Mormon is stunned by this, and says that girls are so moody. And they smell like fish! Ew! Kacey thinks that Elina is a big weirdo, which is true for a whole host of reasons, none of which are her sexuality. Elina says that she has in the back of her mind that she'd like to meet someone while there. Further documenting her bad taste, she admits that she has a crush on Clark. Girl, you need to go free some lab rats and forget about that ho. Elina tells us that she loves bringing straight girls over to the dark side, and as Clark's future high-fashion-ass-whoopin'-with-a-dash-of-sexual-confusion begins to take shape, we head to commercials.

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America's Next Top Model

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