America's Next Top Model
The Runway Ahead

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And, When You're Least Expecting It, Ryan Seacrest

She's A Catie. Whoa Whoa Whoa, She's a Catie
A resolutely Minnesotan accent tells us, "Tim and Todd with Catie Anderson, Wilmar's own." Oh, god. Local radio. The cheesy post-prom cruise ship cluttering up the visible entertainment horizon. You know who could fill air time on local radio? You. And me. And anyone with a whoopee cushion sound-effects tape and a talent for saying the words "traffic and weather together" every ten minutes on the ones. I'm just saying, Catie's appearance on Big Q102 or whatever doesn't exactly represent the vaunt to fame they're trying to convey it as. Let's get to the truth of the matter.

Tim and/or Todd -- I swear I can usually tell them apart, but I think I'm just getting really weak-kneed in the presence of fame -- tells Catie, "You must get recognized everywhere you go now." Yes. But she has not left downtown Wilmar in exactly as many minutes as it's been since she packed her bags and went home. Save for the moment when she was waiting on my brother and his girlfriend at an IKEA in Burbank. But people love their local heroes, which is why not one Massapequan will say their favorite Seinfeld isn't that which enshrined the great Coach Bevilacqua, and also why we rock out to Twisted Sister every night. A staged photo op shows a girl asking Catie for her autograph. And another. And another. A woman opens an elementary-school classroom door and screams, "This is my friend, Catie Anderson, who was on Top Model!" The eight year-olds wish that she were something more distracting and relevant to their lives. Like, say, a fire drill or the Challenger exploding. What? Those are the only two things I can remember interrupting my formative education, ever. The assistant principal of Wilmar High School (WHS! Go, Fighting Milkers!), Mark Miley, tells us that Catie "made it...big-time." But not enough to have gotten a quote from the actual principal, even.

I can't believe it escaped the producers' notice that, during her audition video, Catie delivers the following deadpan line: "If they said, 'Catie, to make it, you're gonna have to shave your head,' my hair's gone." Oooooh. Cleanup in Irony Five.

Ah, the Louis Verdad show. Just where I always hoped Catie would end up. And there she is. On the carpet at the Top Model party -- and let me tell you, if that's the only place they can get an interview for her, she's not doing that well -- she tells a reporter from The B-Roll Times, "I would obviously love to model, act, and I would love to do TV hosting." Is that really a job? Sigh. Sadly, I guess it is. Her parting shot is, "Now is, like, the real competition...the show was completely just a warmup." That's what people always say when they lose. Tyra takes this time to add absolutely nothing to this.

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America's Next Top Model

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