Anna (Go To Him)
Back in the burg of what town did that did brung her, Anna chills with her husband and her son, whose name was something like Mythachius or something, right? After Anna's inglorious removal from the show, we're back in LaGrange, Georgia. She's on a swing. She's walking in the park. "When I do step into modeling full-time," she tells us...ah, that'll never happen. But she does tell us that she got herself down to a size 6, and that she's "looking over a contract" and, she hopes, will be able to shake off her 9 to 5 job real, real soon. This can only end well.
Shand On The Run, Shand On The Ru-un-un
"My mom always thought that I looked like a boy," Shandi tells us. She's back at Walgreen's, and we just happen to be watching when she gets recognized! They rehash Shandi's whole literary Bildungsroman thing, and the only reason I'm even mentioning it is because we get what we came to this episode for, which is Tyra's announcement to "Pack your bags, y'all, we're goin' to Milan!" What is so great about that transcendent moment? When I figure it out, I'll write a reaction rap about it and make it Tyra's second single. I think I shall entitle it "Sorry About My First Single (That Was Really Wrong Of Me)."
Rehash. Recap. Sex with guys whose names end with fourteen "I's."
Eric is cute and looks like Beck. And someday he shall be mine. No, really. He will actually be mine. He wears humiliation and H&M knock-offs well.
"After the show, I had to go back to Walgreen's," Shandi tells us. She's reconciled with her boyfriend, sort of, and he tells us, "What she did was wrong, but I have been able to forgive her." Shandi gives her mom and big bear hug, and tells us while sitting next to her, "I don't necessarily feel closer to my mom, but I think a lot of feelings have been resolved." Shandi tells us that she's off to New York to meet with eight agencies, and that she's saving enough money to move there. She must be the biggest bitch on staff at that Walgreen's right now. But if she gets the Tyra stamp of approval, she must be doing something right: "Shandi's shooting a big magazine spread in Glamour and Cosmo Girl." I'm glad. But what I asked was, "Are there any more of the family size Rold Golds?"
So Long As He's The Life In Her, She'll Be The Bethany
"I hope to get some modeling jobs," Bethany says on the carpet at the Top Model party. She adds, "I was thinking of moving out here to L.A." Glacial pause in which you can choke back down the lies you know you're telling yourself. "Probably in a month or two." On the lunar calendar. Of the third moon. Of Jupiter. Yes. Bethany's segment really was that short.