America's Next Top Model

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Top Model 10 Confidential

Then it was time to traumatize some firemen! Miss J. made our nation's heroes witness some horrifying runway walks. Oh wait! But then the firemen got to take a spin on the runway as well. Each one of them, in full uniform, showed more grace and femininity than Lauren. After the runway teach, the girls enjoyed a night out on the town at a restaurant called Revel. There was shrimp, and there was champagne. And you know that when you get aspiring models and alcohol together, there is bound to be some wrasslin' back at the house. Fatima implores the competitors not to actually kill each other, as Stacy sounds the round one bell with kitchen implements. Lauren and Marvita wrestle first as the others throw stuff at them. Lauren is hands-down the victor. Given that we now know she's a rageoholic, it all makes sense. Next is the battle of the baby mamas with Dominique and Claire having a go. They're pretty even, until Claire squirts some breast milk in Dominique's eye. She confesses that her secret dream is to be a boxer or a superhero. The Lactator strikes again!

The girls then had to pose with meat. Not man-meat. Meat-meat. There were beef panties aplenty. Lauren and Anya made it work amongst the raw carcasses, but Amis and Fatima were undercooked. Jay interviewed that Amis got more confused and awkward with each passing week, and this combined with her wacky elimination room headband made her a goner. Amis was okay with it though, because there were other girls with better assets who would probably make better models in the end. As she exited, she spilled her Whole Foods bag full of crap. There's some sort of metaphor in that, right?

And then, more Marvita! She was always available to relieve the tension of the other girls by laying her big, supple hands on their naked shoulders. Not that she had any ulterior motives there. Always hustling, Marvita gave a lot of massages for change. Not ch-ch-ch-change, like a Hands Across America thing (though how awesome would a human massage chain across the country be, if we could be sure that everyone washed their hands immediately before participating?) but, like, "hey brother can you spare a dime" change. Dollar bills. Fatima notes that men can't even give her a good massage like that, and Marvita says, "I don't need you all over here having orgasms and things." Reverse psychology! But Magic Hands Marvita is happy enough to rub a shoulder in need if you flash her the George Washingtons.

Posing time! With Benny Ninja and his vogueing friends! As Benny yelled out, "Catalog," "Commercial," or "Couture," the girls, who had been divided into two teams, competed two at a time in a pose-off. Lauren got confused by all the gay finger waving, but ultimately determined that it was a positive thing. Dominique was happy to be able to be "freaking drag as hell" and be not only accepted, but lauded. Whitney tried to impress by pulling out the old big girl split, and in the end her team won. But what we didn't see was the girls trying out some of their moves against the House of Ninja. Oh, girl, they will pose you to the grave. They are also the most flexible people on earth. Claire tells us that they will throw down, which is how you have to be as a model. It was good times for everyone! Back at home, the girls continued to practice their posing while Anya took Polaroids of them and offered enthusiastic critique in a French accent. Or maybe it's just her accent. It's hard to say. Claire compares her to a ditsy Hawaiian pigeon. As everyone gets ready for the big group shot, the camera runs out of film. Anya probably got hungry and started pecking at it.

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America's Next Top Model

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