The fourteen finalists barely get a minute to breathe before the competition is on. The first order of business is getting two of three Brittanys to change their name -- we thus get Sharaun and McKey. The girls move into the house without much ado about beds and that sort of thing. Hannah is especially excited since, as I'm sure we'll hear many more times before she gets the boot, she grew up without electricity or running water. Also, in case you didn't realize, Marjorie is twitchy and awkward and home schooled. Isis, who was born a man, has to field a bunch of questions about her transition to living as a female, and handles it all with grace and class. Clark and Hannah spend some time bonding over their more "traditional views," which I think are born from a small town upbringing on Hannah's part and an inbred sort of wankery on Clark's part. McKey is super cool with Isis, and also wants to continue her boxing training. She beats up on a pillow, and we can only hope that she'll soon turn her energies toward Clark.
The girls head to the Magic Castle Hotel and Club, which is a very spooky private club for magicians. They meet Ed Alonzo, the Misfit of Magic, who makes two Jays, a Nigel, and a Paulina appear! The girls disperse around the Magic Castle for some one-on-one time with the judges. Nigel thinks there's something unusual about Isis, yet seems to think it's totally normal that Lauren Brie has a white mother and a cheese father. Sharaun is a big, overconfident weirdo. Nigel thinks she's intriguing, but I don't think he means in a good way.
Things get political for the photo shoot, which features quasi hot-button issues made fierce. To their credit, most girls seem to realize it's an election year. Clark, however, hasn't a clue what "bureaucracy" means, yet manages to work out a few context clues when she approaches her set filled with red tape. Hannah, for her part, isn't sure how she feels about nuclear weapons. Well, at least she didn't say "nucular." Sharaun is super stank as she makes mad offensive comments about Isis during her shoot. After you wax that lip you can start to talk about how another bitch needs to shave, fool. Marjorie and Isis work it out (suck it, haters) and get called first and second, respectively. In the end, Nikeysha's cloning photo is just good enough to overcome her annoying personality and, after she agrees to shut her trap every now and again, she's spared from elimination. This is not such good news for Sharaun, who is sent home with her haterade in tow. Don't let the door hit you in the ass when you leave!
It's the Top Model premiere, part deux! The fourteen finalists apparently get to partake in a vintage car show on their first day in L.A. Klassy, like a Wal-Mart parking lot! Samantha tells us that she's going to miss her high school graduation and prom, but you only get one shot at being a future footnote in reality TV history, so you have to make the best of it. Brittney B. just turned 18 and wants to be America's Next Top Model really, really badly. Sucks to be her. Brittany S. says that she's normally the tough girl who wants to hang out with all the guys, but she also likes to clean up real nice. Marjorie emigrated from France when she was nine, and was home-schooled for seven years. Ah, that explains it, doesn't it? I figured either that or she was a Scientologist. She explains that she's very different from the other girls, and that - along with just about everything else in the universe - makes her feel uneasy. Poor Marjorie. She seems very sweet, but she is really, really twitchy.
The girls congregate en masse on a rooftop, and we learn that Tyra was not having any kind of three Brittanys on her show this year. So, as with last year's Amis, she asked two of the Brittanys to change their names. Brittany B. is thus going by "Sharaun," while Brittany S. has chosen "McKey." I find it impossible to believe that once again neither of these ladies chose "Wholahay." In other news, it is still all kinds of Pax Thien Jolie-Pitt whack that Tyra made these grown bitches change their names. Isis reminds us that she's transgendered, meaning that she was born physically male, but in all other respects is female. She began transitioning a while ago, and wants to have the surgery. You know, the surgery. Please don't tell me that Tyra's going to get the guy who gave Joanie her veneers to have at Isis.
The Jays emerge, and Nikeysha expresses her enduring love for them. Jay Manuel notes that there are fourteen lucky bitches before him, and Miss J. reminds the girls that Tyra is from L.A. and got her start here. The pointlessness of the rooftop excursion is then revealed as the girls go running down to the ground floor to catch the biodiesel bus back to their model house. The house is typically lovely, and the girls whoop it up further. Hannah, of course, is especially happy, as she's never seen an electric light bulb or heard of the miracle of indoor plumbing. Because she's from Alaska. Maybe Jewel lived in her van all that time because it really wasn't so different from Alaskan real estate. Brittany B. - nay, Sharaun - picks up the phone and acts like it's Tyra calling to tell her that she's America's Next Top Model. Nikeysha tells her in short order that she's been disconnected. One ringy-dingy, two ringy-dingies.