America's Next Top Model

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Model Citizens
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

It's the Top Model premiere, part deux! The fourteen finalists apparently get to partake in a vintage car show on their first day in L.A. Klassy, like a Wal-Mart parking lot! Samantha tells us that she's going to miss her high school graduation and prom, but you only get one shot at being a future footnote in reality TV history, so you have to make the best of it. Brittney B. just turned 18 and wants to be America's Next Top Model really, really badly. Sucks to be her. Brittany S. says that she's normally the tough girl who wants to hang out with all the guys, but she also likes to clean up real nice. Marjorie emigrated from France when she was nine, and was home-schooled for seven years. Ah, that explains it, doesn't it? I figured either that or she was a Scientologist. She explains that she's very different from the other girls, and that - along with just about everything else in the universe - makes her feel uneasy. Poor Marjorie. She seems very sweet, but she is really, really twitchy.

The girls congregate en masse on a rooftop, and we learn that Tyra was not having any kind of three Brittanys on her show this year. So, as with last year's Amis, she asked two of the Brittanys to change their names. Brittany B. is thus going by "Sharaun," while Brittany S. has chosen "McKey." I find it impossible to believe that once again neither of these ladies chose "Wholahay." In other news, it is still all kinds of Pax Thien Jolie-Pitt whack that Tyra made these grown bitches change their names. Isis reminds us that she's transgendered, meaning that she was born physically male, but in all other respects is female. She began transitioning a while ago, and wants to have the surgery. You know, the surgery. Please don't tell me that Tyra's going to get the guy who gave Joanie her veneers to have at Isis.

The Jays emerge, and Nikeysha expresses her enduring love for them. Jay Manuel notes that there are fourteen lucky bitches before him, and Miss J. reminds the girls that Tyra is from L.A. and got her start here. The pointlessness of the rooftop excursion is then revealed as the girls go running down to the ground floor to catch the biodiesel bus back to their model house. The house is typically lovely, and the girls whoop it up further. Hannah, of course, is especially happy, as she's never seen an electric light bulb or heard of the miracle of indoor plumbing. Because she's from Alaska. Maybe Jewel lived in her van all that time because it really wasn't so different from Alaskan real estate. Brittany B. - nay, Sharaun - picks up the phone and acts like it's Tyra calling to tell her that she's America's Next Top Model. Nikeysha tells her in short order that she's been disconnected. One ringy-dingy, two ringy-dingies.

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America's Next Top Model

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