America's Next Top Model

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Potes: B+ | 1 USERS: B-
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Fatima gets REALLY mad and asks if Allison is fucking kidding. Allison thinks she's in the right because Fatima made a comment about Allison's body image. She wants to see how tough Fatima is. Fatima yells that she's going to stand up for black women. Allison notes that Fatima says a lot of things to offend people. Such as, you guessed it, saying that Allison has a big ass. Marvita is, like, having a ham sandwich and a giant glass of Diet Dr. Pepper while all this is going on. The hell? Fatima yells that it's not her problem that Allison has an eating disorder. Oh, and then Marvita seems to jump in, but to what end we never discover. After what Allison said to her, Fatima doesn't want to have to deal with her anymore. Hold out for forty-five minutes, buddy. Commercials.

When we return, there is more Tyra Mail. We're on Episode 3, and already the joint-reading-aloud effect is giving me seizures as powerful as those brought on by Mary Hart's voice. It's going to be a long season. "This competition is tough. Don't you just want to curl up and dye?" Homonymically, yes. In any case, makeovers! Everyone knows it. Stacy-Ann stands in front of the photo of the giant goddess Tyra and begs her not to shave her head. The Tyra goddess is not a kind goddess, Stacy-Ann. Your pleas are in vain!

The girls head to the Stephen Knoll salon, where they meet the Jays. Jay Manuel says that Tyra has been so secretive about the makeovers this season that even they don't know what's going on. This cues Tyra, who is wearing a dress that is, I think, meant for the small-boobed among us. Always one to blaze her own path, Tyra threw on a tank top and has had the straps lengthened so the dress fits right under her chest. The whole thing has a very "for best results, squeeze from the bottom" kind of vibe to it. Tyra brings out Stephen Knoll himself, who looks like a combination of Greg Brady and Frodo Baggins. Tyra explains that an agent will look at a model and decide on the look that will make her the most marketable. Sometimes they'll send you to the salon and you don't even know what's going to happen. A model's life is like one big episode of What Not To Wear. And what I would not give to have Stacy and Clinton go at Tyra's closet. Today, each girl will sit in the chair without knowing their fate, because the show is committed to realism. Then they'll have a very sexy photo shoot, which will feature those swimsuits made out of toilet paper that they always make the girls wear after they get their makeovers.

So what is this experience like, you wonder? Go ask Anya! Anya says, "It's like Christmas, and you don't know what it's gonna turn out." The raised-by-wolves and/or -pygmies theory is starting to gain some traction. A little Tyra-vision TV pops up in the lower left corner of the screen, and features Tyra explaining each girl's look by way of mockery. She does the Anya accent fairly well, and we learn that Anya is going platinum blonde. She looks like one crazy motherfucker of an elf, which is perhaps fitting. She thinks that her new look is sophisticated, so she'll have to be more elegant. Yeah, good luck with that. Her photo with the toilet paper bathing suit is HIDEOUS. She has, like, a full-on Céline Dion nose and lopsided jaw. ["Totally. I had to pause that frame so Dave could see how painfully Quebecoise Anya looks now." -- Wing Chun]

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America's Next Top Model

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