America's Next Top Model

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We Know This World Is Killing You

Tyra-vision tells us that a sexy curvy girl needs sexy curvy hair, so Miss Whitney is getting a weave. It's also blonde, and does not suit her skin tone at all. She loves it, though, and says it suits her bubbly, girly personality. It also gives her a rectangular head and flaming nostrils, if we are to believe her toilet paper bathing-suit photo. Miss J. dresses himself up in some scraggly weave leftovers. I love that this show tries to convince us that he can do something to make himself look more fucked up.

Aimee is fierce within, so Tyra's going to make her fierce without by giving her some bangs, and some "scraggly." And, also, a whole lotta red. I feel like getting red hair is always the death knell on this show. Sorry, Aimee, but God doesn't like it when you stop being a Mormon. Aimee loves her hair, and thinks it's going to bring out her inner sex bomb. It looks okay.

And then, Marvita. Let's let her narrate. "I looked at the utensils...to see what they was gonna do to my hair. Like, I see some weave...okay. This must not be my table." But it is! Tyra-vision tells us that Marvita is going to get a horse mane hair weave, which is something that Tyra "kind of invented." You know Tyra wanted to give Marvita something to talk about on Tuesdays. So they're going to leave the sides short, and add weave to the spiky part in the middle. Tyra whinnies, to give us some idea of how it's all going to look. She seems awfully comfortable doing that. We see the results, and it pains me to tell you that Marvita has a mullet. A style mullet, to be sure. But a mullet nonetheless. She works it in her photo, though.

Then there's Lauren, who has some highlighting foil in her hair. She interviews that she's done all sorts of things to her hair -- she's shaved her head, had a Mohawk, had dreads, dyed it red, purple, and blue. That's normal for her. The least normal thing you could do is give her long hair. Which is exactly what she gets! Oh, Tyra is such a card! Tyra wants Lauren to keep her inner weirdness, while going to the next level with a long blonde weave with reddish highlights. In other words, BE weird, but don't LOOK weird. That's actually kind of good advice. Lauren tells us that she's always considered herself the ugly duckling, but now she feels girly and pretty. I think she kind of likes it, even though it's weird for her.

Meanwhile, Miss J.'s makeover is finished, and he kind of looks like Tyra.

Katarzyna goes darker without much fanfare. I don't think this bodes well for her, even though Tyra does call her a baby Paulina. Katarzyna feels much more high-fashion, and thinks it's a good change.

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America's Next Top Model

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