America's Next Top Model

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In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously: the final fourteen made their way to New York City, where they quite undeservedly got to walk in a Badgley Mischka fashion show. Tyra probably couldn't legally live out her fantasy of literally kicking the girls to the curb, but got a taste of it in a homeless-themed photo shoot. Paulina Porizkova -- who we hope will turn into Janice Jr. -- was introduced as a new judge, and snotrag-faced Kimberly opted to go home. Sadly for Atalya, this didn't spare her from elimination. Twelve bitches remain!

We enter with Katarzyna asking Marvita and Dominique who they think their strongest competition is. Dominique's strongest competition is her face, but she doesn't seem to be aware of this. She confessionalizes that she's the girl who's high-fashion, and a fierce, strong, beautiful competitor. Also, she says, she's a diva. Oh, great, one of those.

The girls open their front door to find a delivery of gifts -- white bags with clothes and shoes from Apple Bottoms. Marvita is hella juiced to get some free stuff. I bet she, like, eats the food the other girls leave on their plates and is constantly taking all the free tampons that the production staff leaves in the bathroom. She'll have to check an extra bag when she finally gets booted. Fatima is so excited that she yells out "thank you" to Tyra and looks heavenward. Well-trained, that one. Stacy-Ann gives us a mondo close-up of her Apple Bottoms in the confessional camera, while Lauren -- more used to ratty Converse and Doc Martens -- wonders how the hell she's supposed to squeeze all five of her toes in that pointy-ass stiletto. There is much whooping and excitement, but not everyone partakes. Allison sulks on the couch, and interviews that she's really getting sick of the other girls. She adds that she has much more experience than the rest of them -- she's traveled to Bangkok, Thailand and Taipei, Taiwan. ...To model? All the people in Asia, and they'd bring over Allison? Maybe vampire teeth are in vogue in the Asian market. Allison is confident about her standing in the competition.

Meanwhile, Whitney and Aimee don't know what an "apple bottom" is. Oh, whiteys. Claire demonstrates on Dominique that it's a big, red, round, juicy butt. Fatima tells Allison that her ass is the epitome of apple-bottom-ness. We get a close-up, and Allison's butt is, like, as big as my palm. It is perhaps one of the tiniest butts I've ever seen. Allison points out that Fatima's butt is pretty apple-bottomy, too, and THEN Fatima goes, "But you're bigger than me, so it's like..." and trails off. I actually screamed, "EW!" at the TV screen when this happened. Clit or no, a person can't get away with that shit. Allison just shakes her head no, and Fatima tells Allison that her butt is definitely bigger. Amis -- who is maybe drunk and maybe just dumb -- yells out, "NO WAY JOSE!" And then -- always one to exercise kindness when she realizes she's blatantly hurt someone's feelings -- Fatima says, "I think your butt is big. Well, maybe 'cause, 'cause you're bigger in general." Say it with me now, "EW!" I wish Marvita hadn't made amends with Fatima so early on in the game, because now would be the perfect time for a bitch slap. Allison stomps off and says, "Say that to the anorexic girl." Well, there's a shock. Fatima is all, "What?" Yeah, I'm sure she meant it as a compliment. As we see her measuring her waist, Allison tells us that she has struggled with eating disorders, and that a comment like Fatima's to a "former" anorexic is like giving a tequila shot to a recovering alcoholic. Fatima realizes that she said something stupid, but doesn't really seem to feel all that bad about it.

Tyra Mail! "You never know when you'll get the next call. A top model is prepared for all. Love, Tyra." No one has a hot clue what it means. Late at night, the girls hop into their limo and head to...Wal-Mart. Oh, phew. Looks like they're finally bringing the girls back down to earth after that Badgley Mischka anomaly. They head to the makeup aisle, where they meet Brent Poer and Molly Stern, makeup artist extraordinaire, of Cover Girl. Brent says that a top model has to be ready for a casting at a moment's notice, and today they'll be competing in a makeup challenge as well as participating in a casting. Claire interviews that she loves makeup, and the competitive spirit in her wanted to win no matter what. Brent tells the girls that Wal-Mart and Cover Girl are now offering an enhanced shopping experience -- so you can have your choice of hundreds and thousands of cakey, crap products on the cheap! -- and that the winner of this cycle will have her face on a display, next to the numbers "$6.68." That sounds about right. The girls get five minutes to shop the giant makeup wall and create a fresh, clean, natural look. There are three products they have to incorporate. Some TruBlastPlumpLast something something.

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America's Next Top Model

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