We're down to the final four! In case you're wondering, Angelea is still mad about how all the hating-ass bitches ganged up on her. She is very persistent in her anger, at the least. The ladies learn that they have to write an "audition" blog for Franca Sozzani, who oversees the Vogue Italia empire including vogue.it, for which the ultimate winner will write as part of her prize package. Their assignment is to choose an outfit, find an inspiring spot in which to take photos, and write a post that includes said photos. They have drivers and translators at their disposal, and have to say where they'd like to be taken for their various photo ops. Angelea wants to go to the ghetto, Allison asks to find an abandoned building, Laura would like to find a boat dock, and Lisa requests that the driver go to the place where he'd take his girlfriend to make love. Does she really have to be so grody all the time? The girls snap their photos and head back to the house, but have limited time to write their blogs. Nigel comes and collects what they've done so far, and ships it to Franca. She declares Angelea the winner for her blog about fashion, graffiti, and the mean streets. Lisa scoffs. Angelea's reply? "Hate on, bitches."
Meanwhile, the girls head to their supersized "motion editorial" slash purgatorial advertisement for Tyra Banks' new memoir, Modelland. Tyra herself will direct. She explains that Modelland is all about how she, when she was a teenager named Tookie (yes, I just said Tookie), attended a modeling school on top of a mountain. In chapter after chapter we follow Tyra/Tookie on her journey of embracing her own unique beauty, and realizing that learning to love yourself (and smizing! And a touchable booty!) is the greatest love of all. Each of the final four models will play a different version of Tookie, in some sort of outlandish outfit. The shoot will last for two days, and the final motion editorial will be shown over the course of two panels. That's how long it is!
So, the motion editorial shoot. I have not yet read Modelland, though a kind and hilarious friend did get it for me as a birthday present. If I had, I might understand what words such as "Chapter 36: All Hail Creamy" mean. Basically, the models all run around in dresses looking deranged. At one point, Laura has to spray whipped cream directly in her mouth, which does not help with the "too sexy" thing one bit. They might as well have had her use a Shake Weight. Allison again has problems with her vampire eyes, and also wears a cat costume, and then kind of bobs around a blood orange for a while. I don't know. Angelea has to film an emotional scene that has something to do with self-worth, which makes her cry. Tyra tells her to let it out, and put it into the scene. Acting!
The second day of filming involves co-star and male model Tyson Beckford. Tyra gets in on the action, filming a scene with Tyson in which she recreates the first time she sucked a boy's thumb. A local mountain goat walks by and is like, "The fuck?" He steals the whole episode. The ladies have to film a final shot that will be used when the season's winner is revealed, and Allison's eyes actually melt right down her face.
We see the first part of the video at panel, and I think it gave me a seizure. Angelea gets big ups for her crying scene, and big laughs for her awkward running. Laura is too conscious of the cameras and also too sexy with her mouth full of whipped cream. Allison is good, but needs to figure out her eye situation. Lisa is good at the acting bits, but terrible as a human being who chose to dress herself in neon green bike pants. With such reviews, you can see why the judges had the longest deliberation ever! It took them one and a half hours to figure out whether to boot Allison or Laura. And if you thought nothing could be sadder than Tyra Banks pretending to be a 15 year old sucking a boy's thumb, then you haven't seen Laura get eliminated for a second time.
This week we don't even get a "previously on!" That's because a return to the recent past wouldn't include a plug for the premiere of a fashion film based on Tyra Banks' New York Times best selling novel Modelland. The fact that Tyra Banks has a book on the New York Times best seller list makes me want to scream, "What a world! What a world!" like the melting Wicked Witch. And join the Occupy movement. And become a communist. And build a shrine to Naomi Campbell in protest.
We're still in Crete, and the final four ride in their post-elimination mini-bus. They congratulate Angelea, who once again narrowly escaped being cut. She was saved only by what's-her-name's unmemorability. Immemorability? Unmemorableness? Anyway, Angelea is not saddened by what's-her-name's elimination, because she was a hater. We see what's-her-name giving Angelea a pointed critique at last week's challenge, and Lisa joining in because she thought it was "Bash Angelea Day." In all fairness, that's what it said on her ANTM-sanctioned calendar. We relive Angelea storming out of the room in sepia-toned flashback. Any scene that contains the exit line, "Y'all bitches," should automatically be sepia-toned. It adds a certain type of poignancy. Angelea points out that her persistence need not be called into question, because she's still here, dammit. Meanwhile, Lisa thinks that Angelea's emotional outbursts are part of a pattern. There may be more emotional outbursts to come, she warns. That's like a beacon of hope for us. As Lisa says that it's survival of the fittest and she goes the distance, we head to the opening credits.
The girls return to their abode to find Laura's best-of-week archery photo displayed as digital art. She's quite happy about the whole thing, which must foretell doom at the end of the hour. Sigh. We flash back to Laura learning that she is the runner-up -- and not the winner -- of Cycle 13, and it is the saddest three seconds of our collective lives. I mean, she was just so heartbroken, breaking down in a little southern sweet heap next to Bloody Eyeball. She says that it's a huge deal to be on the all-star cycle, because she's always been a farm girl. To wit, we see Laura interacting with various cows and goats. She says that opportunities like this one don't happen to people where she comes from, then smiles and puts her hands over her very glassy eyes. Her tearful interviews are really what gave away her "toast" status throughout the episode. She says that she has the strength and confidence to be the winner, and it truly could be her this time. Except that it isn't, and she knows it, because her nose is all stuffed up. Sadness. We cut to Lisa, who says that Laura is her biggest competition. But...last week Lisa said that Laura was nobody's competition! Shut up, Lisa. We are reminded that Laura is continuously sexier than she is supposed to be. I think her problem is just that she has looked through way too many Victoria's Secret catalogs in her little farm girl life, and so is automatically going to make a blow job face when put in a giant bowl of Greek salad on the beach. It's like muscle memory at this point. Lisa adds that Laura also doesn't have as much experience as she does. That's because she's not 2,000 years old. Stifle, Methuselah.