America's Next Top Model
Tyson Beckford

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In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

This week we don't even get a "previously on!" That's because a return to the recent past wouldn't include a plug for the premiere of a fashion film based on Tyra Banks' New York Times best selling novel Modelland. The fact that Tyra Banks has a book on the New York Times best seller list makes me want to scream, "What a world! What a world!" like the melting Wicked Witch. And join the Occupy movement. And become a communist. And build a shrine to Naomi Campbell in protest.

We're still in Crete, and the final four ride in their post-elimination mini-bus. They congratulate Angelea, who once again narrowly escaped being cut. She was saved only by what's-her-name's unmemorability. Immemorability? Unmemorableness? Anyway, Angelea is not saddened by what's-her-name's elimination, because she was a hater. We see what's-her-name giving Angelea a pointed critique at last week's challenge, and Lisa joining in because she thought it was "Bash Angelea Day." In all fairness, that's what it said on her ANTM-sanctioned calendar. We relive Angelea storming out of the room in sepia-toned flashback. Any scene that contains the exit line, "Y'all bitches," should automatically be sepia-toned. It adds a certain type of poignancy. Angelea points out that her persistence need not be called into question, because she's still here, dammit. Meanwhile, Lisa thinks that Angelea's emotional outbursts are part of a pattern. There may be more emotional outbursts to come, she warns. That's like a beacon of hope for us. As Lisa says that it's survival of the fittest and she goes the distance, we head to the opening credits.

The girls return to their abode to find Laura's best-of-week archery photo displayed as digital art. She's quite happy about the whole thing, which must foretell doom at the end of the hour. Sigh. We flash back to Laura learning that she is the runner-up -- and not the winner -- of Cycle 13, and it is the saddest three seconds of our collective lives. I mean, she was just so heartbroken, breaking down in a little southern sweet heap next to Bloody Eyeball. She says that it's a huge deal to be on the all-star cycle, because she's always been a farm girl. To wit, we see Laura interacting with various cows and goats. She says that opportunities like this one don't happen to people where she comes from, then smiles and puts her hands over her very glassy eyes. Her tearful interviews are really what gave away her "toast" status throughout the episode. She says that she has the strength and confidence to be the winner, and it truly could be her this time. Except that it isn't, and she knows it, because her nose is all stuffed up. Sadness. We cut to Lisa, who says that Laura is her biggest competition. But...last week Lisa said that Laura was nobody's competition! Shut up, Lisa. We are reminded that Laura is continuously sexier than she is supposed to be. I think her problem is just that she has looked through way too many Victoria's Secret catalogs in her little farm girl life, and so is automatically going to make a blow job face when put in a giant bowl of Greek salad on the beach. It's like muscle memory at this point. Lisa adds that Laura also doesn't have as much experience as she does. That's because she's not 2,000 years old. Stifle, Methuselah.

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America's Next Top Model

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