America's Next Top Model

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The Sistine Crappel

The girls arrive at the Piazza di Spagna, a very famous place for the fashion, according to Claudio. It's the end of the tour, and they get to meet Gai Mattiolo. But first they will meet Attilio Vaccari, the art director for Gai Mattiolo. He has silver hair and a silver beard and brown eyebrows and a black turtleneck. And he appears to be a giant. He hopes they've listened to Claudio on their tour, because it's time for their challenge. The girls will all meet with Gai and do their best to impress him with their ability to adapt to Italian style. To help them out, they'll go with Claudio to get an Italian makeover. They're all very excited about this. The makeover entails getting some fancy Gai Mattiolo clothes. Anya gets a bright red hunter's plaid blazer with an orange oversized fur collar. Ringer. Whitney wonders if the folks at Gai Mattiolo are ready for her jelly, as the clothes they have to choose from are sample size twos. However, they do have something for her, and she says she's comfortable in it because it's something she would actually wear. Her blazer has giant three quarter length bell sleeves trimmed in oversized fur. Is there a PETA Italia?

And then, it happens. The girls meet Gai Mattiolo. Gai Mattiolo looks like just about every large Italian guy you've seen on the streets of Brooklyn and/or in a movie about Italian people set in Brooklyn. He's a giant Danny Devito, or a slightly graver Dom Deluise or Paul Sorvino starring in To Catch a Predator. One might assume that he grunts a lot and eats sausage by the stick. But apparently he designs really nice clothes. He wants to know who is the best in adapting to Italian fashion. Fatima coughs. Gai Mattiolo could use a little bit of the plague, actually. Fatima walks for Gai first in her crisp, white Love Boat inspired romper. Gai thinks she's very elegant when she walks. It's true. Next is Dominique, in a flowing red, black and leopard print dress that I kind of want. Gai thinks that she's a natural, and that she knows how to present a dress. However, she doesn't look fresh. She's like a four-day old lasagna. Katarzyna is next in a dress that I definitely want. Gai thinks she's a very beautiful woman -- the face! The body! The way to walk! Simply put, Katarzyna is fly.

Next is Anya. She walks in her big fur collar and shiny PVC pants. I have to say that very few people could wear what she's wearing and look so gorgeous. Gai says, "Anya...you are so blonde." She thanks him and laughs. In addition, she's so skinny, so young, and so fresh. Anya is what we all dream of being, minus the tiny bit of brain damage. Then there's Whitney, who gets total bitchface when she walks. Gai totally checks out her ass. He says that she's so American, then tells her that she has a great, beautiful face and can do what she wants in her life with her face and the model. Well, okay then. And finally there's Lauren. She's wearing a great white shirtdress and lumbers stiffly. She hopes that she impresses Gai, but admits that her walk isn't the best. Gai tells her that she is the tallest, and has very beautiful legs. He is pretty diplomatic, isn't he?

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America's Next Top Model

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