America's Next Top Model

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School Daze
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Bitches! It's Top Model Cycle 10. Our little show is, like, fifty-three in reality-TV years. There have been many memorable moments throughout the seasons, some of which involve one model calling another an alcoholic bitch and/or getting beer poured on her weave; some of which involve crying over a hideous new hairdo; some of which involve hypothermia and/or dehydration and/or the horror known as veneers; some of which involve tipsy tumbles on the runway; some of which involve plus-sized girls who will never actually stand a chance at winning; some of which involve exploiting the contestants' fear of heights; some of which involve snakes, cockroaches, and spiders; some of which, yes, it's true, involve the Jays. And then, of course, there's the winner, who's almost beside the point at this stage of the game.

In any case, the competition starts now! Thirty-five semi-finalists are on a school bus, reliving their days of paper fighting and harassing the poor toothless man who was probably paid, like, $3.15 an hour to haul their skinny asses around. And then! It's Marvita! You know. Marvita. She didn't make it on the show last year because she had some "anger issues." Girl, could you have imagined her and Bianca together? Marvita has been molested and raped, and generally has some issues in her past. It's super-sad. Nonetheless, she scares the shit out of me.

The girls are dropped off at a courtyard. They wait in front of an entrance, out of which walk...the Jays. All that buildup for these two hags? There is screaming and whooping, and one girls' eyes actually roll into the back of her head. It's like she saw Jesus, and He was orange. On this climactic note, we head to commercials.

When we return, the girls are still whooping about the Jays. Jennifer, age twenty-four, from Orlando -- also known as the One Who Has Been Saved -- tells us that Miss Jay is working it and that Mr. Jay is fine. I will give her that he's wearing his suit well. However, he looks like he's in Technicolor. Meanwhile, Miss Jay is wearing his best dowdy schoolmarm cardigan with a bow tie. Fierce. Mr. Jay tells the girls that school is now in session. Shaya, age eighteen -- from the improbably named Country Club Hills, Illinois -- says that she's happy about this because she studies fashion, she loves fashion, and she likes to create beauty. Because she's beautiful. Don't hate her because of it. Or do. What crap could I possibly give? Thirteen girls will make the final cut, say the Jays, and the others will be expelled. Maybe some really dastardly Children's Hour shit will start going down.

The girls head to a locker room, where they put on their uniforms. Yes, they have schoolgirl uniforms. Mo'Nique is all, "Tyra, you'd better step off of my shtick, because as many ribs as you eat, I can still crush your comparatively skinny ass." Amy, age twenty, from Bartlesville, Oklahoma, tells us that a lot of her friends think she's weird, but in a positive way. She looks at all the beautiful, interesting girls around her, and wonders what the heck she's doing there. I wonder where this mythical "there" is where beautiful and interesting girls are plentiful. Maybe she discovered a portal in one of the locker-room showers? Amy's face looks extra-crispy.

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America's Next Top Model

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