America's Next Top Model

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School Daze

When we return, it's time for the judges to meet Katarzyna. She is seriously smoking. She tells them that she was born in Poland. Katarzyna graduated from Cornell, and since then has been working with an executive search firm. She sat at her desk all day and wanted to break free from the chains and just be a model. Katarzyna has some high-waisted bikini bottoms. She tells us that although her job pays well, it's not what she was born to do. She might actually be able to take this thing -- she's really gorgeous.

In contrast, there's crazy Shalynda. As she walks in, she raps, "I'm here from the D-dot-C/And none of these girls ain't got nothing on me." Did she just use a triple negative? Tyra is in awe of the fact that Shalynda has applied for the show eight times. Her producers finally just broke down and were like, "Give the bitch some camera time and maybe she'll get out of our hair." Shalynda wears that pink paisley Victoria's Secret swimsuit that was all over their catalogues the year before last. What's my secret? I love to read the Victoria's Secret catalogue in the bathroom!

Meanwhile, the ghetto debate rages. Shalynda tells Fatima that everybody has ghettoness in them. She then interviews that she is the wrong person to mess with. Shalynda yells at Fatima that she knows she's a bitch and has been called everything in the book. She's accepted it. Fatima confirms twice that Shalynda is a bitch, and then says, and I quote, "Can I call you bitch?" As in, "Bitch, get out of my damn African face!" Or, "Bitch, bring me some croutons for my salad!" Or, "Bitch, is it true that this is the eighth damn time you've tried out for this show? Give it up already!" Or, "Bitch, my pot pie is cold!" Unsurprisingly, Shalynda does not take well to being called "bitch." She pretty much looks like she wants to bitch-slap Fatima, and has to be restrained. Eventually, she calms down and says, "Shut up, bitch, you're dead in my book." Way to paraphrase La Dick! Fatima kind of smiles through the whole thing.

We then get to meet Lauren, who tells the panel that this is the first week she's ever worn heels. Jay notes that there are thousands of girls who would love to be on the show, and asks why Lauren thinks she's there. She says that she represents the weirdo girls. Tyra tells her that a lot of the working top models of today are pretty freaky-looking, and Lauren says that she loves ugly-beautiful. Lauren walks in wearing a bikini, and hoo boy is it a sight. Lauren's hobbies including watching zombie movies and going to punk shows. She is, as she says, pretty laid-back. Tyra asks Lauren to strike a very strong, edgy pose. Lauren stands with her back to the panel. Okay, then. Miss J. bounces up and down in his chair, he is laughing so hard.

Next we have Stacy-Ann, age twenty-two, who is always happy and full of energy. Stacy-Ann married at seventeen, but not for nefarious reasons -- just because she was in love. Tyra and the Jays are having a hard time believing that. Stacy-Ann has always wanted to know what it's like to give a lap dance. Mr. Jay -- perhaps emboldened by the lusty white girl rap of earlier -- volunteers to be her demonstration model. Stacy-Ann's version of a lap dance involves singing a song that goes, "Doo doo doo doo." Yeah. This cues the crazy loser's montage we all know and love so well. Good times!

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America's Next Top Model

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