America's Next Top Model

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Goddesses and Monsters

The girls head to get their hair and makeup done, and practice their walks. Sandra tells us that she'd rate her walk at about an eight or nine. It's not perfect, but she says it's much better than the walks of the other girls. This is why people get clubbed in the knee. Laura doles out the garments to the girls. Celia reminds us again that she's really happy to be gone from Kentucky, where people mow their lawns instead of caring about fashion. With all the lawn-mowing, when do they find time to drink bourbon and watch horse races? Tahlia has been given a suit to wear, while the other girls are in short flirty dresses. She's upset because she's being forced to hide something that she can't help and that should be accepted around the world. Sandra feels the same way when she's forced to wear socks to cover her ugly-ass corns.

Once wardrobed, the girls meet with the Jays again. Miss J. is wearing all black, including a black babushka and bicep-length leather gloves. It's quite the combination of naughty and innocent and dumb as fuck. The girls prepare to walk, and Teyona tells us that she's so confident in her walk that she could work a paper bag in bare feet. Jay, Paulina and Nigel sit in the front row. Tyra is nowhere to be seen. I'm sure she's talking to a pregnant hooker or something. Miss J. takes the first spin down the runway, and Natalie says this is exciting because it's like being in a fashion show with a famous supermodel. He's followed by Aminat, who looks pretty good. London is hunchbacked and thick, but sometimes that works, I guess. Teyona seems to do a fair job, too. We cut backstage to Isabella, who notices that there are strobe lights on the runway, which can trigger seizures. I'm sure Miss J. is on hand with a whole bunch of fierce wallets, just in case. With that, we head to commercials.

When we return, Kortnie walks and Isabella continues to freak out about the strobe lights. However, she walks and no seizures occur. Well, that's kind of a letdown after all that buildup. In other News of the Brave. Tahlia is still kind of upset that she's all covered up, but decides to work it anyway. I guess she gets the award for persistence of spirit amidst all the soul crushing. Nijah loves runway and feels confident about her walk, but Allison tells us that she's having a nervous breakdown. She's afraid she might veer off into the crowd like an awesomely drunken Janice Dickinson. Sadly, she does not. Finally we have Sandra, who walks about a quarter of the way onto the runway, awkwardly kicks her leg up, and turns right around. A scandalized gasp is edited into the scene, and Nigel gives a look like, "I really shouldn't have signed that 15-season contract." We cut back to Sandra, who is now magically further down the runway, but still apparently not all the way. Jay wonders if there's a reason she only went halfway and Paulina gives him a look like, "Don't ask me to try to explain your casting decisions." Sandra, meanwhile, thinks she did a great job, because she has the kind of confidence that's known as delusion. No one else is fooled, though. Oh, meanwhile, there are still a few girls to go! Natalie and Celia do fine. Celia's life is fashion. Natalie still has moles. Fin.

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America's Next Top Model

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