America's Next Top Model

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Goddesses and Monsters

Tyra -- er, The Goddess of Fierce -- says that she has been The Goddess of Fierce for 2,752.7 years. I'm sure it doesn't surprise you that Tyra predates Jesus. The Goddess of Fierce is tired, and is looking for a successor to light her chariots of fire. Is that supposed to be as dirty as it sounds? In any case, she's also looking for America's Next Top Model. The girls go crazy. Celia passionately interviews that Tyra is amazing, is an entity, is a force, and is -- wait for it -- extraterrestrial. Thank you for saying that, Claire, so I don't have to. Tyra asks the girls to strike their fiercest goddess pose, and Sandra instantly whaps some of the other girls with her Gumby arms. Angelea, 22, from Buffalo, New York, interviews that she and Sandra got into it. Angelea will not be intimidated. Sandra, for her part, is aggrieved that Angelea was jumping up and down next to her and poking her with her long nails. I could see that Sandra would be worried about her head deflating. Tyra goes off to be fanned with palm fronds and have short ribs fed to her, chanting, "Fierce!" all the while. With this, we head to commercials.

When we return, it's time for the ladies to make fools of themselves in front of a panel of Tyra and the Jays. Sandra is first, and Tyra immediately tells her she looks like a British fashion show. Or like an episode of Benny Hill. Sandra starts bawling because she's so happy. She interviews that she moved from Kenya when she was 12, and didn't have many friends because she's "different." Something tells me she's going to be "different" all season. Tyra asks Sandra what she loves most about herself physically, and Sandra says she loves that she's dark. Tyra tells her that her lovely mahogany skin is what got her this far. Sandra has been interested in modeling since she was young, and was inspired by Tyra and Iman. Miss J. notes that Sandra's body is sick, and both he and Tyra say that she has their old waistline.

London, 18, is next, and as soon as she walks in -- wearing one of those stupid tiny headbands around her forehead like the fancy man from American Idol -- Tyra notes that she goes around the world spreading the word. Is she a Microsoft Office salesperson, you may wonder? In fact, no. London is a street preacher and spreads the word of the Lord. Maybe she's dressed like a homeless person so she'll fit in? Tyra asks for a sample sermon and London busts out her opening line: "Hey guys -- any of you know who Jesus Christ is?" Like someone is going to walk up and go, "Wait... is he in the Obama administration?" I think London maybe also tells people that they're going to hell. Except in cases where it's obvious and saying it aloud would just be overkill, which is why she remains silent with Tyra. Miss J. asks London if, given her attire, people mistake her for a street walker instead of a street preacher. London cracks up, because the Lord has nothing against hooker heels. She interviews that she's a model with a mission, and is looking forward to spreading His name in the fashion industry. Unless His name is Karl Lagerfeld, I think her strategy could use some adjustment.

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America's Next Top Model

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