America's Next Top Model

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Goddesses and Monsters

Jessica, 18, the feisty Puerto Rican, is next. Tyra notes that Jessica has never been called ugly a day in her life. Well, I'm sure if she's on the show long enough the fine folks on the forums will rectify that. Instead, people call her a sexy flaca, which I believe translates to "skinny bitch." Miss J. tells Jessica that people have never called her ugly... to her face. She just smiles blankly at him. Jessica interviews that if you're going to be in this competition you need to be confident or go home.

Tahlia, 18 from Phoenix, is up next, and sacrificed college to pursue her dream of modeling. Apparently, she has one year left and figures she can always go back. Wait, she's only 18. Maybe she's a secret Doogie Howser-style genius. Jay asks, "Why modeling?" Because she hoped that she might one day meet an orange man whose hair matches his suit jacket? No, in fact, Tahlia wants to be a model because she has a story to share with everyone. Oh, here we go. Tahlia is a burn survivor. Impressive, but still no retinitis pigmentosa. She says it's taken her 14 years to get comfortable with her scars, and adds that she has 14 surgeries. The scars are very visible when she's in her bikini. Tahlia says that her mother left her alone in the kitchen when she was eight months old, and she pulled the cord of a full coffee pot, which then came crashing down on her. Tyra is very pleased to see Tahlia standing proud in her swimsuit and looking absolutely beautiful. Tahlia interviews that just because a few people judge or criticize you doesn't mean the whole world is going to reject you, and you don't have to hide yourself. Unless you are Miss J., in which case you should try hiding yourself maybe once in a while, just to give the rest of us a break.

Elsewhere, several models hang out and chat. Monique, 21 from Telluride, Colorado, asks the others if they know who the Elites are, and before waiting for a response tells them that the Elites are the 300 richest families and they control the world. She adds that the Rockefellers are worth 101 trillion dollars. Aminat is all, "One of my giant hoop earrings is worth 101 trillion dollars." Monique says that she'll never bring a child into this world because she thinks it's going to hell. I'm sure London could give a second opinion on that. Monique then goes before Tyra and the Jays and tells them about how corrupt our government is and how we bombed Pearl Harbor ourselves as an excuse to go to war. And how Eva Pigford was only 5'7" and probably went to T-Zone camp, too. Monique got the gift that all conspiracy theorists get for their 21st birthdays -- a gun. She is apparently a fierce poser, and strikes a few for the panel. As she walks in her bikini, it becomes apparent that the government has conspired to give her early onset osteoporosis.

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America's Next Top Model

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