America's Next Top Model

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Goddesses and Monsters

Which: there were a bunch of ANTM winners before. And now there's McKey! Oh God, remember her? And whose brilliant strategic move was it to remind us that Naima ever had a Life as a Cover Girl?

When we return, Angelea comes before the panel and Tyra looks at her hair in horror. All Miss J. can add is, "Look at them damn nails!" Angelea spreads her talons with pride. Tyra tells Angelea to take off her tacky earrings and ridiculous hair. In theory Tyra would like to be one with Angelea and take her wig off too, but the world is not quite ready to see its own reflection in the sheen of her bald alien head. Angelea interviews that she's here to make it, and doesn't want to go back to Buffalo -- or, as she calls it, "Miserabo." Well, if the modeling thing doesn't work out Angelea certainly has a future in the punny names business. Miss J. wonders why Angelea had My Little Pony on the back of her head. The same reason anyone has a My Little Pony -- to help forget the pain. Tyra then notes that Angelea had a callback for Top Model and had nowhere to sleep. She asks Angelea where she spent the night. The answer is almost too horrible for me to tell you, but it is my professional obligation to do so. Angelea slept in the Port Authority bus station, which Jay helpfully notes is the armpit of New York City. Angelea was accustomed to the smell as she comes from Buffalo, the armpit of New York State. She slept for two nights in the bathroom stall at the Port Authority because this is her dream. My dream is to never, ever have to do that. Tyra is like, "You know I love it when girls do whack shit just to be on this stupid show, but that is too much whackness for even me."

To help us forget the spiral into depression that is Angelea, we next have Celia. She's dressed in a poufy skirt! Sunshine and light! Buffalo is a distant memory to me now! Celia is from Cynthiana, Kentucky, which is about as far from Buffalo as you can get, thank God. She knows she's the oldest and seems okay with that, which is pretty refreshing. Celia was quite ungainly as a youth, and now, having moved to New York City to be immersed in fashion, is ungainly in a slightly hipper way.

Kortnie, 24 from Houston, Texas, is next up and revels in the fact that, as the plus-sized model, she gets to eat cheesecake. She interviews that there's more than one way to be beautiful, and once again being a size eight is like a freaking triumph of the will. Kortnie was once the girlfriend of Dale Earnhardt, Jr., who is apparently famous to rednecks. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.'s fans would call Kortnie a pit lizard. According to Urban Dictionary, a pit lizard is defined as "a raunchy girl normally found in a NASCAR garage looking to pick up a good-looking driver with lots of money. See: whore or skank." And Kortnie is actually in the example sentence for this definition! I buy that she's a skank, even though she claims to want to be notable for more than having a famous boyfriend.

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America's Next Top Model

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