America's Next Top Model

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Goddesses and Monsters

But who cares about losers? There are happier times afoot! The "lucky" "pretty" "women" meet the Jays to learn their next assignment. They'll be doing a photo shoot in which each of them has been pre-assigned a different goddess. They'll each be given a card on which is written the attribute that a particular goddess is known for. In the photo, they'll have to display that attribute well enough that the casual viewer knows what they're doing. There are hair and makeup tables to insure that if there's impetigo or MRSA crawling around among the bunch it will spread wantonly.

London poses first as the Goddess of Justice. She looks like she's carrying a giant tray up the stairs at Ruby Tuesday's. She has another job on the side as the Goddess of the Gospel. Fo is the Goddess of Madness. For that one you just try to channel Janice Dickinson. Which, sigh. I miss her. Aminat is the Goddess of Strength and Formidable Fros. Tahlia is the Goddess of Prosperity, which she represents by looking constipated. Sometimes you enact your prosperity by eating a lot of cheese. Allison is the Goddess of Honor. How the heck would you represent that? Then there's Sandra, who is the Goddess of Success, which she seems to find fitting. She hides her face behind her hands because she's also the Goddess of Idiocy. Isabella is the Goddess of Modesty and, like, half-covers one of her already covered boobs. Nijah is the Goddess of Friendliness, which means she's off making you a Fribble right now. Kathryn is the Goddess of Victory and Hot Dog Pens.

Meanwhile, for no apparent reason, Angelea rolls her eyes amidst a gaggle of girls, including Sandra. Sandra asks aloud if Angelea has an eye problem. That is a dangerous question on this show, when retinitis pigmentosa is lurking around every corner! Next, when Angelea gets scratchy around her midsection, she'll ask, "Do you have burn scars all over your stomach?" Angelea then aggressively asks Sandra why she's smiling, and Sandra replies, "Because I can!" It's a high-level debate, as you can see. At any moment Jim Lehrer will be coming in to moderate. Things escalate, and soon Sandra is insulting Angelea's nails and telling her that she has no class whatsoever. Angelea's response? "Bitch, you think I ain't got class? YOU ain't got class." I'm not taking sides in this, but I will say that only one of these people has slept in a Port Authority bathroom stall for multiple nights. There are angry shouts of, "Ho! Ho!" and finally Sandra walks away. Angelea then invents a new genre of reality show fighting by going up to Sandra and putting her hand very near, but not on, Sandra's face. The photographer starts to look nervous and realizes that all those stories Jim DeYonker told her were true. Then both girls go the lowest you can go, and begin insulting each other's feet. Angelea has long ugly toes! Sandra has ugly ass corns! Without visual evidence, I cannot make a judgment on these claims. Angelea continues her "didn't touch you" phantom mime fighting, like a very ghetto ninja.

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America's Next Top Model

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