Oh, cruel ANTM! All we want is to forget the sordid past and move on to the new crop of fuglies in Season 4. They seem so much more interesting because we can't legitimately hate them yet, but only speculate about why we will soon hate them. But very well. Here is your recap, punks.
America's Next Top Model is...Eva! Woo! Hee! Oh, remember that blast from the past? It seems like it was just yesterday. And really, it kind of was. Tyra tells us that, in this special edition of Top Model, we'll sit down with America's new cover girl, Eva Pigford, catch up with some familiar faces -- Norelle! Yay! Kelle! Yay! Shandi and Mercedes! The hell? -- and focus on fresh stars -- Toccara! Yay! Ann! Boo! Yaya! BOOOOOOOOOO! If I could make that BOOOOOOOOOO jump off of this screen and kick Yaya in the shin, I would. Tyra tells us that, for the contestants, the goal of being a top model didn't end with elimination. Oh, it will soon enough. They're able to face big changes, tough challenges, and heartbreaking choices in order to live their ultimate dream. Coming up...what the divas are doing now. And I think I might start an online petition against the loose usage of the word "diva." And let's all take note of the manifold lies they're telling us in this special, shall we?
After a commercial break, we are greeted by Tyra Banks, her weave somewhat tame (though still a garish red) as she sits in front of a black background wearing a brown bustier. She is shot from chest up, because she is huge. Give that woman another plate of ribs and I might mistake her for Star Jones. She says that we started with fourteen amazing women (LIE #1!) from every part of the country. Represented were the Big Spple (Kelle), small-town Oklahoma (Cassie), southern California (Norelle), and North Dakota (Nicole). These women also represented every kind of beauty: a sleek athlete (Ann), plus-sized stunner (Toccara), willowy dancer (Yaya -- and I think that must be code for "irritating bitchface"), and ethereal mother (Amanda, and did we mention she's BLIND?). But, Tyra tells us, "it was always the pizzazz and personality of [the] winner, the amazing Eva the Diva, that stood out and made her a star." And there was a time when I liked Eva, but now I'm just sick of her.
Cut to a shot of Annette Bening who, delirious from her second Oscar loss to Hillary Swank, has opted for a face-lift and thirty-six consecutive hours in the tanning booth. Oh, wait, it's just Eva rocking some spiky-ass hair and an unwashed face. Seriously, can someone blot this woman? I am, however, coveting her awesome earrings. Eva relives the final moments of last season, when she and Yaya stood next to each other, both anxious and crying. She tells us that when her picture flashed up as the winner, she couldn't even look because she was so scared. LIE #2! The moment was, for her, both unreal and surreal, and rendered her speechless, which was kind of a nice change. All she could do was thank God and think how happy her mama was going to be. And then, for the first time of many in the episode, she does the trademark Eva Laugh, which you can imitate at home by opening your mouth into a really wide smile, closing your eyes, and going "HA HA HA HIEEEEEEEEEEEE!" until your face threatens to crack. Yes, Eva, we know you have an infectious personality. But I've seen your molars one too many times to believe that it's always sincere.