America's Next Top Model
What The Divas Are Doing Now

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What The Divas Are Doing Now

We get a montage of "good stuff" from Yaya which, we all know, is, like, 1% of what actually happened. LIE #16, bitches! Present-day Yaya tells us that she doesn't feel so much like a celebrity, but feels like everybody knows her. Some girls run up to her and hug her, and they might quite possibly be the same crack-loving extras hired to show Eva some love. She says that as soon as the show ended, she had a cameo on Eve, in which she sucked. That last part was a bit of editorializing by me, but it is the truth. She says that she loves Eve, who is great to work with. Oh, Yaya. Such the industry insider. We see a photo of Yaya with Isaac Mizrahi, which would have been really impressive about fifteen years ago. She says that she was in an Isaac Mizrahi Target ad, and just did a shoot for Essence. The world of high fashion! It has not ignored Yaya! She says that she always knew she wanted to be on stage or in front of the camera, and we see her fro teased out to enormous lengths. She poses smugly for photos, per usual.

Yaya says, with Ivy-league articulateness, "Modeling...it's an experience and I'm learning from it, but I don't want to divorce the other things that make me me and that make me happy doing." Cut to Yaya with a class of cute kids at the Central Harlem Montessori School, where her mother is the director and where Yaya works part-time. We then see Yaya's mother, Orundun Johnson, who is a composite of George Clinton and a creature that walked out of my nightmares. She tells us, "Today is Monday, January 17, and the Central Harlem Montessori School is open today." For the ignoramuses among us, a man sitting behind a piano covered in kente cloth says, "Happy Martin Luther King Day." And the kids sing a song about Martin Luther King. Because you know what Yaya and her family love? Black people! ["The kids didn't get the day off? Burn." -- Wing Chun] This segment is entitled, "The Afrocentrists."

Orundun tells us that education was the family's priority, and that they were all happy when Yaya graduated from Brown. We see some cute pictures of Yaya as a little kid. DO NOT LET THEM SWAY YOUR OPINION OF HER! She is still evil. She says that she teaches Spanish at the school, and with a few of the kids whose native language is Spanish, she teaches French. She irritates me in much the same way that Gwyneth Paltrow irritates me. Orundun says that the kids all watch the show, and have a discussion about Yaya every Thursday. Student Desmond Elliot says that the show made Yaya look like a China person when she went to China. Yaya gasps and says, "Where did I go?" The kid corrects himself and says Japan, and Yaya says, "Boy, you better know your geography." Cute, right? BUT DO NOT LET THIS SWAY YOUR OPINION OF HER! She is still evil. And then, my favorite person on this whole special, adorable little Anna Link, who is missing her two front teeth, says, "Even though she didn't win, she could have won, and she got really close to winning. And I really liked about that." More Anna Link! She's the greatest. See, the show is trying to make us forget about how crappy Yaya was (I'm going to call this LIES #17-20), and hoping that the cute little kids will reflect well on her. And I don't know why that is, but I have a rallying cry for the Soldiers of Fucking Yaya: REMEMBER THE UMEBOSHI!

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America's Next Top Model

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