America's Next Top Model
Where The Girls Are

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Bring On Some Fresh Meat, Already

So you know how the other week you were all, "Man, I really wonder what Cycle 1 Shannon has been doing these days?" Oh, what's that you say? You weren't really wondering that at all? And even if you were, which you totally weren't because you were too busy looking at Kathy's pictures on the Top Model Cycle 6 web page and quietly saying, "...Shut up," at your computer and looking around like someone was playing a trick on you, you could have found out the answer much more easily by going to the Top Model forums? Well, okay then. Never mind.

So I should preface this whole recap by saying that I was totally planning on doing an Extra on an episode of The Tyra Banks Show during the Top Model season hiatus. And the episode I had chosen was called "Transsexual Top Model," with special guest judges Janice Dickinson and Richie Rich and some Grace Jones-looking drag queen who taught Tyra all she knows and guest-starred on one of the earlier seasons. It was just like a regular episode of Top Model, except the contestants were prettier and more feminine, and Janice's opinion did kind of matter. This is all true. And it sounds awesome, right? But it wasn't. It was actually kind of depressing. Although the winner got a contract with the brand-new Janice Dickinson modeling agency, which is pretty hilarious. But anyway, I scrapped that, and then came along this special, and so here I am. And this wasn't all that exciting either, but I will give the folks at Top Model credit for giving us some blasts from the past and not just showing what the girls from Season 5 are doing, because we all know that they ain't doing shit.

We begin with footage from Nicole's victory. Tyra tells us that we've been through five competitions with no limits. If you mean no limits on to how low the show will stoop to entertain our lascivious desire for the humiliation of complete strangers, then I am in agreement. There have been more than sixty girls. Oy. And they've been discovering secrets of success. And here, of course, we get a brief clip of Eva talking about how she loves to be a fame whore. Tyra adds that the girls have succeeded on the runway, at which we quite mysteriously see Yoanna and then, less mysteriously, Ann. They've also been on the cover of Elle Girl, if they're Nicole. They've also been on TV, in the case of Yoanna and...dread...on the silver screen if they are Fucking Yaya. [Shudder.] More clips of stuff we will see a bit later on. Tyra tells us that this is about making it, which makes Shandi's absence even more mysterious.

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America's Next Top Model

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