America's Next Top Model
Where The Girls Are

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Bring On Some Fresh Meat, Already

The most exciting part of this whole thing is, of course, the commercials for Season 6. Someone's a stripper, someone's maybe racist, someone's a big ol' Lisa-sized drunk, and someone is encouraging nudity among her fellow contestants. Yippee! And then Jay tells the girls that they're going bald, but I'm sure that's a fake-out and that they'll just be wearing bald skullcap wig thingies. In any case, I can hardly wait!

Tyra stands in front of a "photo shoot" and tells us that tonight we're talking about success. I thought we were talking about the lives of former Top Model contestants. You have to "want it," and if you're chasing your dreams, look no farther than Los Angeles. Unless, you know, your dream is to be a model. I mean, Jesus. And speaking of Jesus, Tyra clarifies for us that Los Angeles is The City of Angels. Thanks for the lesson en español, Tyra! Mucho respeto! Tyra is wearing a shirt that emphasizes her bosomy assets. That is to say, "Any shirt you care to name."

The first of the Top Model L.A. women is, of course, Miss Eva. We see photos from her portfolio, and then footage of her Season 3 victory. A present-day, blonde-mohawked Eva tells us that if she had to describe herself in one word, it would be "blessed." Funny, of all the one words I could think of to describe her that begin with the letter "b," that one didn't cross my mind at all. She does look pretty good, though. We see footage of her on a few runways. She says that, since winning, she's been featured in Elle and Elle Girl. I think that contractually bargained accomplishments shouldn't be counted. She also says that Cover Girl has been amazing, and that she loves flipping through magazines and seeing her full-page ads. She says nonchalantly that she found out while at the nail shop that she was in Marie Claire this month. Well la dee dah. Eva adds quite unnecessarily that she lights up when a camera is around, because she's a big old attention whore. She also calls herself a rebel and a wild child and says that she was born with presence. And also, humility. But really, it's hard to argue that Eva hasn't done pretty well for herself. She's not really a model, but I don't necessarily think that matters, or that she even really ever wanted to be a model. She says that she's been on many best-dressed lists, and knocks on wood. She's also been at a shitload of award ceremonies. At one, Terrence Howard calls her the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. And (a) you can't fool us, we know you're gay; (b) that's because SHE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE YOU. But with a bit less 'stache. Seriously, those two are like TWINS. She could go in his stead to the Oscars and no one would be any the wiser. Because Eva, too, believes that it's hard out here for a pimp.

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America's Next Top Model

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