America's Next Top Model
Where The Girls Are

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Bring On Some Fresh Meat, Already

Next, we learn what Miss Toccara Season 3 is up to. The motif of this segment is, "Toccara has giant boobs, remember?" We get clips of her walking in a swimsuit at casting, and Miss J. comments on her large "puppies." Current Toccara says that she thought she looked fierce. She says that she's Toccara and that she loves Toccara no matter what her size is or what anyone else thinks. She says that ANTM was a blessing, and that she's been everywhere and done so much. She did a campaign for a plus-sized clothing line, she's been on the cover of Black Woman, Braids, Black Man, and Be; her most recent cover was King. This stirred up a whole lot of controversy on account of how it was nudie-esque. Toccara says that she's becoming a plus-sized sex symbol, and laughs. Toccara walks down the street and happens to see three of her magazine covers at a newsstand. Quelle coincidence! She says that seeing yourself in a magazine is breathtaking. She yells and carries on, and the guy who runs the newsstand practically has "WTF?" written in wrinkles on his forehead. Next, Toccara is at the famous Sylvia's Soul Food kitchen doing a cooking segment for Extra. She is wearing an outfit that does not flatter her - it's a tight turtleneck with a skirt that sits right underneath her breasts. Or it is quite possible that her breasts are actually sagging down to her waist. I had a Women's Studies professor in college who always wore a blazer over a turtleneck, which made her so mysteriously-chested that my friends and I could never tell if she was totally flat or just really, really saggy. She also did a great job of teaching us how not to objectify women's bodies. Toccara says that you never know when your run will be up, so you have to take the opportunity to build something and leave a legacy. She hopes that a plus-sized girl will one day win Top Model so that Toccara can feel like she paved the way. Like a much bigger Rosa Parks, is Toccara. I find it suspicious that even after all those Top Model marathons that VH1 has, there was not one word about Celebrity Fit Club in the Toccara segment. Commercials.

When we return, Tyra tells us that it takes more than a nice body and high cheekbones to make it as a top model. In fact, it takes courage. Yes, let's all salute the heroes that dare to parade around in skimpy outfits that show their what's-its and snort cocaine from one another's' buttocks. They are the true moral fabric of our nation. Sometimes Tyra kills me. Anyway, it's the personal tragedy slash "Thank you, Saint Tyra" montage. Clips of Eva and Toccara being redressed for their nasty attitude and crying, respectively, lead us in. Tyra voices over her standard bullshit about having to be beautiful from the inside out, and notes that some girls had to do a lot of soul-searching. We see Eva at her Season 3 audition. She denies being rude and nasty and trying to hurt people's feelings. But Tyra says that Eva, in fact, does want to hurt the feelings of others because her feelings have been hurt. Present-day Eva says that Tyra has a way of talking to you and breaking you down very quickly. Season 3 Eva starts crying, and if you want to know exactly how it all went down, you can read it here. Present-day Eva says that she was in a scary situation and wanted to be assertive, but was maybe a little too aggressive. But then Tyra broke her down and everything "fell into place." Note to all future Top Model contestants: just let Tyra have her way with you and pretend to believe her bullshit and you will win.

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America's Next Top Model

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