America's Next Top Model

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In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously on ANTM: Hannah was maybe a big, prejudiced, honky, racist cracker. Nikeysha was definitely annoying, and so was sent home. A dozen bitches remain!

Hollywood! The girls ride in their fierce eco-bus, and wonder about the judges' often nonsensical critiques. Frankly, I say it's best to push all those questions out of your mind and just smile with your eyes. It's the safest, most effective option, and you don't waste a lot of time and already scarce model brain cells. Brittany tells us that she's frustrated. She wants to be a high fashion model, but when she comes to panel her pictures are -- horrors -- just pretty. Yes, it's quite the cross to bear. Analeigh tells us that the panel seems to expect a lot from her, and she doesn't want to disappoint them. She needs to improve on her posing, and show more personality. Maybe at the next panel she'll stun everyone by posing beautifully to the tune of "Through the Eyes of Love (Theme from Ice Castles)." Though maybe that would have been more appropriate for Cycle 3's Amanda.

The girls return home to find Tyra sitting on their couch, wearing a tiara and wielding a wand. She gives tiaras to all of the girls, along with party gift bags that say "princess" on them. I'm having second grade flashbacks right now! If only I had a Little Hug in front of me. Tyra has ordered some ANTM pizza, which is "Smokin' Hot and Extra Fierce." She reveals to the girls that she's there to tell them all about how she made over her career. You know the drill: Tyra used to be skinny. Fast-forward a few years, when Tyra was 15 pounds too porky and her agents told her mom that it was time for Tyra to diet. Tyra's mom, of course, said, "Screw that, let's order pizza, and then pimp you out to magazines that will put your boobs on full display." So she went from high-fashion to soft porn, a move which we are all supposed to applaud. Because the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is very empowering to women.

In any event, Tyra really can't fill 46 minutes of show talking about herself (well, I mean technically she could, but even she seems to realize that it's maybe not the best idea), so she gets to the good stuff: the girls are getting makeovers! Huzzah! And then... I don't even know how to explain what happens next. Tyra begins to tell Analeigh what look she's going to get, but then she's interrupted by Miss J., who is cleverly disguised as an old crone selling apples. I bet he uses that, "Apples! Apples!" line in all the leather bars. He tells Tyra that if she eats one of his apples, she'll be a top model forever. Girl, if you want to poison that bitch, you need to make yourself some arsenic-laced barbecue sauce. Tyra then takes a big ole' bit of apple and proceeds to drool it all down her front. That's no way to treat the boobs that are responsible for your career makeover. Tyra passes out in an exceptionally unrealistic fashion.

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America's Next Top Model

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