America's Next Top Model

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Roll with the Punches

Esther is up next and is really trying hard with that personality thing. Jay screams out the direction, "Having fun, Esther! Having fun!" Esther kind of moves her head forward and back with a half-smile and Jay asks, "That's having fun?" I mean, for an orthodox Jew, that might be really good times. Jay continues to tell Esther to have fun. She continues to give a relentlessly dull performance. Jay tells us that he's never seen a performance that's so under-energized and so flat. Nigel has to go so far as to quote ALT and say that it's total dreckitude.

Jane is up next, and to put it mildly she is not so steady on her skates. She tells us that the last time she roller-skated was in sixth grade, and it's a toss up as to whether it was more embarrassing to fall down then or now. I'm guessing there are more bruises now, at least. Chelsey is next, and she too can neither skate nor remember her lines. Saving us from all the dreck is Chris, who is a mean backwards skater and knows how to say "acai berry." She also is very convincing with the male model. Nigel tells us that Chris went for it, wanted to do it, and nailed her lines. She was one of the best of the day.

And now on to the opposite of the best of the day. Jay asks a visibly crying (through sunglasses!) Ann what's bothering her so much. She says it's the potential of falling down and being embarrassed. Jay reminds her that the judges love her no matter what she does, and she needs to remember the positive stuff. A still-crying Ann tells us that she's worried about crashing either into the dirt or into a cameraperson. It is pretty mean to put these girls on roller skates, though maybe not as mean as the treadmill runway. In any case, mean is par for the course so there's no reason to be surprised. Ann says that there are a lot of people around who are going to laugh, and that's something she's had to deal with her whole life because she's tall. And here we thought it was short people who had no reason to live.

And then Ann's commercial shoot starts. She quite unconvincingly says that looking great on the outside starts with feeling good on the inside. In fact, looking terrified on the outside starts with putting your feet in roller skates. That first line is said sitting down, and so it's really the best it gets. Ann stands up and starts to roll forward while saying her next line, and then falls spectacularly. I think she actually hits her head on the ground. While there's a big collective cry of, "Ooh!" it doesn't appear that anyone actually laughs. Okay, except for maybe me at home for the rest of this sequence. And Jay, who is totally stifling a laugh but has a telltale smile. Nigel offers Ann the use of kneepads, which she wisely takes. She could seriously snap about 13 of her bones on one fall, so I think they'd be better off going with full-body padding. Ann very sadly interviews that everyone is expecting a lot of her, so she starts to psych herself out. And then she gets mad at herself because she's psyching herself out, and that makes it even worse. Like a circle in a circle, like a wheel within a wheel.

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America's Next Top Model

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