America's Next Top Model

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Potes: A- | 690 USERS: C+
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If You Can't Make It Here, You Can't Make It Anywhere

Jay tells them that they've just witnessed the metaphor for the day. They're all struggling here and there, and need to break through the wall to get to the next level of the competition. There is a hilarious clip where we see Jay from behind, motioning all around with his hand, and the sound is obviously a voice over. Fake Jay voice-over tells the girls that what they've just seen was a preview from the hit performance art show Fuerza Bruta, in which the performers use their bodies to evoke an emotional response from the audience. Oh, Lord. I'm sorry, but I hate that shit. I am not spending $120 to see you beat on a bucket. I want some fucking show tunes, or I'm staying home. Jay points upwards and tells the girls to take a look at what they'll be doing. All I know is that it involves writhing around on a suspended plastic thingy filled with water. They will be shot from below, the better to catch them in all their squashed-bug looking glory. And, they will have no hair or makeup products. It's all raw!

The girls wipe off their makeup and get dressed in some gauzy gowns. Jay introduces them to photographer Mike Rosenthal, who is an ANTM veteran. He tells the girls that their photos should capture some movement and shapes, and not involve them looking like dead fish. Lauren stares at him, dead fish-eyed. This does not bode well for her. Claire is very excited for this shoot and wants to make a good impression. As Jay gives her direction, she says she's going to slide into the watery plastic pane. Jay tells her she doesn't have to. But she does, and her head bounces like a cat toy off of the Mylar. Jay asks if she's all right, and Claire requests for a minute to collect herself and sort of rubs her neck. With this threat of lifelong paralysis, we head to commercials.

And it's Saleisha's My Life as a Cover Girl! You can tell by the tone of her voice that she's hating her life. Which, good. I've never heard someone say, "It's so much fun," so funlessly.

America's Next Top Model

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