In the van on the way back to the hotel, man-voiced Sarah, age twenty-two, expresses disapproval, insinuating that Tiffany might have provoked Skank Not Model by bending over in her face. Magdalena chimes in with an excellently argued "At least she didn't hit her!" Point well taken, counselor for the defense! Sarah says that she doesn't condone violence, and Tiffany says, "And that's great, Martin Luther King. But I'm with Malcolm." I'm sure hearing their names bandied about like this from their vantage point in heaven makes both of these men them feel great about how the political discourse around race and violence has progressed in the last thirty-odd years. Bitch poured beer on my weave! Tiffany gets all Mary J. Blige on us, crying and saying that she wants no more drama in her life. She's so tired. She's sick of fighting, y'all. She's been fighting all her life. She's not going back to the hood. She's going to take her fast car and keep on driving.
Auditions sessions two! It's Norelle, twenty, who has braces, or as she puts it "bling bling on her grille." She had an evil stepmother, and only met her real mom -- a funky, artsy-looking tattooed sort -- when she was thirteen. Norelle idolizes Paris Hilton and "plays Paris Hilton" in her room. With a supporting cast featuring a talentless hunk of wood as Nick Carter and her clarinet as Rick Solomon. Norelle's walk is heinous. I have to confess that I think she's my favorite so far, since she is amusing to no end. There's some priceless video footage on the UPN site of Norelle feeling insecure because the contestants are so "smart" and have traveled to exotic and sophisticated places such as the famed city of "Kentucky, Alabama."
Kelle, age nineteen, is white under the skin. She grew up in the last gated community in New York and is a living example of what would happen if Tootie and Blair from The Facts of Life could breed. J. commends Kelle's walk, which segues into a good walk/bad walk montage. Gee, I wonder what would happen if Kelle helped out a sister and invited Tiffany to live with her! The Fresh Princess of The Last Gated Community in New York! Premiering on UPN this fall.
Plus-sized Mary enters, and says it would be great if both BBBWs were chosen to be in the house. Riiiight. Toccara runs in yelling, "I'm here! I'm here!" followed by "I'm big, black, beautiful and lovin' it." And then she actually snaps. We get it. Jesus. Toccara has Queen Latifah's face and Star Jones's personality. Which means she should maybe try to shut up a little more. The judges are in awe of Toccara's enormous breasts.