Rain of Fire

Episode Report Card
Strega: C | 1 USERS: C-
Apocalypse, Nowish
. If it's not, we bury it." He tosses a crossbow to Wesley and asks, "You in?" Wesley looks menacing, and we cut away before he trips over nothing and mews, "Oh yes, please!"

So, there were a number of complaints in the forums that Connor and Cordy should have called Angel and mentioned that they'd run into Satan. I'm not entirely sure what difference it would have made if they had, since Angel already knew something was going on, plus Connor and Cordy didn't know where Satan was going. So I'm willing to bet that they planned to, but didn't see any point in rushing to the Hyperion before tending their wounds.

Blipvert across town. The MoG run through a doorway and stop dead. Satan turns to look at them. Then we see that he's standing inside a square made of neat lines of crumpled bodies. Cool! A bunch of civilian casualties! That hardly ever happens. Satan is also dangling one last body, holding it by one ankle. Cary says, "I'm gonna need a bigger arrow." That's a shame. That line, I mean.

After a final burst of ads, Satan hurls the body across the room toward them, cueing the MoG's super-slow-motion action extravaganza. Oh, great. Just when there's finally action in this episode, we've got slo-mo to make it drag on forever. Angel runs slowly, then finally hits normal speed as he takes a few whacks at Satan with a sword. Satan quickly yanks the sword away and punches Angel, sending him flying into a pillar, which crumbles on impact.

Gunn throws his hubcap-axe at Satan. Satan catches and calmly crumples it into a useless mess. Khan! Man, first that dog on Futurama, and now the hubcap-axe. What a depressing evening of television.

Angel hops up and pulls a few more weapons out of his coat as Satan throws the ruined axe back at Gunn, who leaps out of the way. Angel races back in and starts swinging at Satan with what I think are a pair of battle-axes. Although he gets in some exciting whirls and floor-rolls, Angel doesn't actually seem to make contact with Satan at all. Stop aiming for his torso! Go for his big, silly feet! That's clearly his weak point! Notice how he just stands in one place instead of chasing you around? Satan finally catches Angel's arms on a downswing and shoves, pushing Angel away.

That's when Wesley and Cary fire their crossbows, and we go slo-mo again, but at least it's for a reason. The arrows fly across the room, and Satan swipes at them, knocking them off-course. One arrow ends up in Angel's shoulder, the other in Angel's stomach. Ha ha ha! Angel doubles over in pain. I double over laughing. I expect to hear Cary and Wesley shout, "Whoops, sorry!" but they don't. It was still funny, though. Satan turns to look at them as they reload the crossbows. Then Satan picks up Angel and throws him at Cary and Wesley. As they all fall in a pile, Angel's leg knocks over a shotgun. Wait, was the shotgun already there in the club?

Gunn races in with another sword. Satan throws him around. I'm starting to wonder if Satan killed all those other people by just tossing them into things repeatedly, since that seems to be all he can do. That must have been exhausting. Poor Satan.

Wesley hops up in slow-motion and whips out two shiny pistols. He moves sideways as he fires repeatedly. In slo-mo. Yawn. So I get the impression I'm supposed to reference John Woo here, since everyone else has, but since I haven't seen any John Woo movies, I'm not going to. Although I am pretty confident that there are actually other movies with exactly that shot. Anyhow, the bullets spark on Satan's chest but don't hurt him, because, duh, he's Satan. He stares agreeably at Wesley until Wesley finally gets a clue and drops the guns. And then hefts a shotgun. Or the shotgun, if it's the same one that was across the room a minute ago. Wesley fires the shotgun a few times as he advances on Satan. Satan jumps a little at the impact, but doesn't seem too bothered by it otherwise. Until he suddenly falls to his knees. See, he is tired from all the people-tossing. And those silly shoes probably don't provide good arch support. Wesley steps a little closer, because he's a blithering idiot, and Satan looks up at him, smirking. Satan grabs the shotgun and yanks it away, then -- can you guess? -- tosses Wesley across the room.

Angel chirps, "We're just getting started," and pulls the arrow out of his shoulder, then runs straight at Satan. Good lord, they're all so dumb. Weapons and firearms haven't bothered him at all, Angel. What are you going to do now, tickle him to death? There's some punching and a nice kick, and Satan swats Angel so that he goes up, somersaults in slo-mo, and makes a perfect landing on a ledge above the door. Well, that looked fun, at least. Angel vamps out and hops back down to resume fighting. More punching and so on, and Angel does manage to knock Satan down, at least. Then he whips out one of his wrist-mounted stakes and jabs it toward Satan's eye. Satan grips Angel's arm, and they struggle for a second, so we get the impression that Satan's eyes might be more vulnerable than the rest of him. Then Satan knocks Angel back, grabs the stake, and shoves it into Angel's neck. Necks! Also, yowch! Angel devamps and makes a goofy face as his mouth fills with blood. Satan smiles, and in the traditional low, booming voice, asks, "Do you really think she's safe with him?" Satan tosses Angel -- not into a wall, surprisingly, but straight over the building's edge. So it really is an open-air club on a building's rooftop. They must have incredible liability coverage. And it's in Los Angeles. With the smog. Ah well. Gunn wails, "Nooo!" as Angel plunges out of sight. That's probably a delayed reaction to the axe. Satan slams his fist down in the center of the square o' carnage, and an "X" of fire blazes up within the square. Then the bodies catch fire, and a burst of flame knocks the others back. Cary ends up plunging through a skylight and down into the building. Because there's a skylight on a building that has an open-air club on its roof. I should let it go, right? Okay. Wesley looks up in time to see Satan laughing with delight the day the music died, or something. Then Satan disappears in a cloud of fire that explodes up into the sky. Wesley scrambles toward Gunn.

Downstairs, Cary moves enough to let us know that he's not dead.

Wesley helps Gunn walk to...somewhere.

Down on the street, Angel rolls over. "A little help?" he fails to say. He reaches up and yanks the stake out of his neck, then gasps in pain for a while.

A sheet of plastic is torn down from a window so we can look at the volcanic burst of flame that's roaring up into the sky. It suddenly fades out, and there are explosions up in the clouds as it starts, yes, raining fire. "What's happening?" Connor asks, as he and Cordy watch. Well, it's raining fire. Pretty self-explanatory, if you ask me. There were also a lot of comments in the forums about how all the buildings should be catching on fire. It's terribly hard to judge scale, but I don't have trouble believing that this is more like a shower of sparks falling than huge blistering fireballs. Think of it as a light spinkle of fire. Connor suspects that Satan is behind this phenomenon, but Cordy says, "We don't know that." Yeah, Connor, don't go pinning every little thing that goes wrong on Satan! This could be a coincidence. Connor blames himself for not stopping Satan. Cordy says it's not his fault, and Connor asks, "What if it is?" He points out that Satan rose at the site of his birth, and sniffs, "I was never supposed to happen. The child of two vampires. What if --?" Cordy's sure that it has nothing to do with Connor. She whispers, "It's not you, baby, it's not you," over and over, and strokes his hair, and then they kiss. I was hoping she'd finish that with, "It's not you, it's me," but nope. When they stop, Connor asks why she kissed him. Cordy answers, "Because I don't think it matters anymore." How flattering. Forget the college fund, Angel. All that money should be spent on extensive therapy for your kid. Cordy tal

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