JD welcomes us back and warns us that now, the contestants will be ranked one by one. Um, isn't that what's been happening for the LAST HOUR? Jesus. Oh, the real diff is swimsuits. The girl with the big teeth is told to tighten up, and reminded that her teeth are too big. Lorenzo is hot for the big-toothed girl. His lowest score is an 8.7 (what is this, figure skating?) for her body. Lorenzo gets a 2.8 for his yellow-tinted shades. And a 5.1 for his turkey tan.
Hey, it's Philly's Sean Cassidy! He hates Rachel because she calls him an "ape" and a "gorilla" again. He's wearing Jam shorts and his skinny legs stick out. Aww!
More people trot out in swimsuits and are ranked. One girl gets called "a Charlie's Angel" by Randolph, who certainly remembers the '70s. Many people on the boards were correct in raging that the women wore teeny bikinis, but the men wore voluminous surf shorts. But to rant about a sexist double standard while watching a show like this is like coming home from yoga class and eating cheese doodles. By which I mean, satisfying. So go right ahead and do it. After all, this show sucks. Do anything you can to make it entertaining. Whoops, Lorenzo has whipped out a green laser pointer and is critiquing a woman's thighs for not touching in the right place. Screw you, Lorenzo. One guy scratches himself when Rachel grades him. She does not give him points off for doing so. It's so sad that these contestants will either light up when complimented, or wilt when critiqued. It's as if their tiny brains can't do the math to figure out they're going to lose anyhow.
One skinny-chested guy says that he heard Rachel "doesn't like pretty faces, so how does [she] handle [her] own?" People in the audience hoot and squeal. I think he meant that as a compliment, but it sounded like a total dis. She says she'll be "ladylike" and gives him a 2 for sex appeal. The crowd hoots. I couldn't care less. Lorenzo uses his laser pointer to point out "perfection" on a turkey-tanned, fake-breasted refugee from Fort Lauderdale spring break circa 1992. I guess we all know what Lorenzo likes: cheese.