Okay, here comes Joe, a guy who thinks he's hot, but totally is not. He says his tongue is his strongest attribute. Because he "can move it pretty fast." He smiles knowingly, but thank godfully does not demonstrate. Rachel Hunter, "super model," says forcefully, "That is really sick." Was she talking about the Michael Jackson 20/20 special? Because the vitriol she exhibited in that comment couldn't just have been wasted on some dweeb who said, but did not show, that he can wiggle his tongue really fast. I mean, Rach, hon, you were married to Rod Stewart. Who's "really sick" now, dear?
Now we get a montage of people being cut (by being brutally told that they "aren't hot enough to continue in this competition"), followed by a montage of those deemed hot. Mostly, it's chicks. There are some dudes. Lorenzo says that if you think you're the sexiest person in America, you better have the goods to back it up. These are the people that think they have the goods. One chick claims that guys "lust after" every part of her. Another says she has the best boobs in America. One guy says, "face it," he's "ridiculously good-looking," but also "modest." Face it, dude. You're a pompous ass. One blonde mother of two (so the caption says) says that at times, when she hangs out with "ugly people" and she gets all the attention, she feels bad because she's sure that they feel all the more ugly just by being around her. Wow. I think I hate the hottest people in America. Hey, readers abroad? We aren't all like this. Seriously. Don't hate us because some of us think they're hot. My boyfriend Ben sat down for maybe two minutes, then got right up and left. He saw boobies and didn't care. That's how bad this show is. Hey, ABC? Let me give you an idea for your next special. Animals vs. Animals. You know, grizzly bear versus polar bear -- in the woods. Or, shark versus tiger -- on land. It's not far off.
JD's back, and tells us that our judges are experts in human hotness, or something like that. They have doctorates in hotosity. Logged many hours in the scientific study of hot or not. Are vain, pompous, bitter asses with careers sagging enough to consider appearing on this show an upward career move. Are we really only six minutes in? Lorenzo says, "This is not brain surgery." No fucking shit, dude. JD says Lorenzo is the star of Falcon Crest (old school, even for me) and Renegade (off the air for over ten years), and has "dated and married" some hot chicks. ["Not hot enough -- did you see his son on the Golden Globes broadcast? The Elephant Man called, and he wants his forehead back." -- Sars] Lorenzo says, with his head tilted thoughtfully, that he's "been around." Which is super-secret code for "has herpes." Oh, and he's a martial arts expert. Which is super-secret code for "boned Steven Segal while drunk on sake once -- or maybe twice."