Are You Hot?
Hot Zone 1: Southwest/Northeast

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Alex Richmond: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Hot Zone 1: Southwest/Northeast

After Miami, we move onto Atlanta -- or, regrettably, "Hotlanta." Sigh. One girl swears that she's "not a hick." Another says, and I love her for it, that she's "over thirty, flirty, from the dirty-dirty." Hee! One guy, Burton, a cable access host with a questionable British accent, says he's hot. Um, Burton? Nice tux. He's cut. Some people disrobe to get attention from the producers. One says she makes heads turn here, and pats her large chest. One says she's so hot that she's "melting right now in [her] panties." One guy says he's "the crunk-master" and that he "keeps it crunk." Ah, "crunk" -- the slang that only caught on with total dorks. Nerds like to keep it crunk. And only nerds. ["Does having no goddamn idea what 'crunk' means make me cool, or just old?" -- Sars] Next! One girl in a red dress totally chokes when asked the question what guys like about her. She's all, "Uh...uhhh..." Is it something that rhymes with "wits," dear? Hey, remember what Lorenzo said: This isn't brain surgery. Oh my god, I just quoted Lorenzo Lamas. Sars, please fire me. ["Forget it. Nobody else is willing to recap this crap." -- Sars]

One young man in a very ugly '70s polyester nightmare of a shirt (which I'm not opposed to, but I have to note that the wearing of gaudy '70s polyester shirts is very '90s, and thus uncool. Contemporize, man!) says he hopes his ex is watching so she can see that she dumped the sexiest man in America. Oh, so he won? Great, the end. Oh, shit, that was just a teaser.

So JD yammers on about welcoming us back and shit. And, the top thirty-two of the Southwest meet the judges. Lorenzo tells a woman she has a nice smile. Randolph says, "You're so nice today, Lorenzo." Nice enough for you to take him as your lawful wedded partner? I didn't think so. But anyway, niceness flies out the window as Lawson, an "aspiring model," tells the judges that he has no competition and they laugh in his face. Aw, come on -- his show just got canceled. You know, Lawson's Creek? Please say I'm fired. ["No." -- Sars] Lawson stammers a bit, and Lorenzo goes, "Ah bah bah bah bah, you better not talk too much either." Hee. Oh no, now I'm amused by Sir Lamas. Sars, kill me. ["No." -- Sars] Another dude in an unfortunate canary-colored shirt is told by La Duke that his eyes are too close-set. That's easily fixed, not. It's okay, Kathleen Robertson was wall-eyed and she was on Beverly Hills 90210 in spite of her flaw. And Tori Spelling looks just like a goat, and her career was, um, great. After yellow shirt is gone, Randy says he didn't want to send the guy to therapy for ten years, and Lorenzo says that's his job. So, Lorenzo is the Simon, Randy is the Randy, and Rachel is the Paula, but a Paula looking to get laid. And, you know, all hurt from that career in the brutally harsh swimsuit-calendar modeling world. Don't cry for her, she married a rock star.

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Are You Hot?

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