Are You Hot?
Hot Zone 1: Southwest/Northeast

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: D+ | Grade It Now!
Hot Zone 1: Southwest/Northeast

Butter, a rapper and not a stripper like Lorenzo asked, is told by Lorenzo that she "need[s] to wrap [her]self into a smaller dress." She makes a really great speech about how her big thighs are still sexy, and for everyone out there who's "puny," it's not the size but how you work it. Butter melts in my mouth. But another chick comes up that gets Lorenzo's boner -- I mean, "interest." A cookie-cutter big-breasted blonde in Lucite heels. Anyone who wears heels like that deserves to be asked, "Are you a stripper?" but Lorenzo calls her "a pocket Venus." Lorenzo, you are as transparent as those Lucite heels.

More judging flies by, paired with backstage zingers from the rejects. Randy calls a woman's thick ankles "thankles." Hee! Lorenzo asks a woman if she got her implants to balance out her "wide" butt. She says yeah, then backstage says that he's a hypocrite because "look who he's dating." Who is it, Anna Nicole? Chesty LaRue? Busty Saint Claire? Seriously, I don't care. One Goth girl prompts Randy to long for self-tanner. She says Randy will "benefit from those tanning bed days." Hee. The tanning bed days are akin to the salad years, right? Lorenzo tells a woman that the fact that her thighs don't touch is a problem, and wants to get the tape measure. Rachel is appalled for some reason. Hey, Rachel, ever watch the Howard Stern Show? They do this whole show as a bit, and it's a lot funnier and even more cruel. The judges get laser pointers to highlight perceived flaws. You just sit behind a table. Howard Stern does everything better than ABC.

Now we're in the Northwest. Seattle, to be exact. I love Seattle. There's so many great bands from Seattle. And I love how all the contestants have slightly wavy hair and are in turtlenecks. Because it's damp, get it? The PAs in Seattle are a thousand times nicer than the ones in the Southwest, too, choosing to tell one group, "You know what, you are all beautiful, but not enough to be on the show." That's almost sweet. One candidate asks what it is they're looking for, and the PA yells, "You know what, please exit to the right." Hee! One guy (sadly, in an ugly '70s polyester shirt) says he's the "best white guy dancer since John Travolta." Didn't you see Billy Elliott? Then he does a Michael Jackson kick, twirls, and smacks right into a nearby female contestant. Medic!

A female "exotic dancer" says that her line of work has taught her how to deal with people from all walks of life, including those of different ages and races. Making her line of work different from all others available, I'm sure. Another reject from Mensa uses the words "comfortable-est" and "funnest." Wow, this show is just the barfiest. One girl is rejected and says that it was a mistake because her boobs are real. Another guy drops his shorts and does the Joe Boxer underpants dance. Thank you, Seattle.

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Are You Hot?




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