Are You Hot?
Hot Zone 1: Southwest/Northeast

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Hot Zone 1: Southwest/Northeast

Wow, some people sent in home videos to try to win the title. Home videos are usually hilarious. But not these. They're duller than the pencils I used at my last job. But not as hard to erase. One guy says flatly that he has a lot of charisma. If you say so, buddy. A few people call themselves Barbie, and another guy has a Ken doll in push-up position next to him. Scary.

And now we're in Chicago. People lined up "by the hundreds," says JD. One girl says she's "an amateur hot person ready to turn pro." Thank god there's Gus, a big fat guy who says he has "a keg" instead of a six-pack. We see the guy in the very ugly '70s shirt again, who says that girls and sometimes even guys buy him drinks. One man, an "award-winning trumpeter," says he's intelligent and that surprises people who "conversate" with him. And this concludes "our four hot zones."

Back in L.A., the thirty-two Northeast contestants get off the bus and get cut down to eight. "Cut down" being the operative words. Lorenzo says that one woman has to lose ten pounds, and another that it's "hard to see [her] boobs" in that dress. Rachel says one guy is "too gorilla" for her. Another guy wears "too much leather" for her taste. Rachel is boring. Lorenzo says two words come to mind when he looks at one girl: "How much." Two words are coming to my mind: Fuck you. One girl is told her teeth are too big. The better to eat you with, Mr. Duke.

Okay, now we're with a live audience. Who applaud as if on cue. I wonder how they got them to do that. JD runs down the geographic zones again, and says we're going to rank the Northeast. He introduces the panel of judges, again, and the audience claps and "woos." Lorenzo gets the most "woos." Maybe they invited all his wives. Nah, then he would be getting boos. Or sued. The stage is set with giant lights that say "HOT" and "NOT." They want you to get it. Anyway, bring on the meat parade. Candace walks out, and is gonged "NOT." Nick is called not, then one woman called "HOT." Lisa is also called "HOT." Oh my god, a guy from Philly, Sean Cassidy, the guy Rachel called Gorilla, is called "HOT." Basically, lots more people parade out and are called hot or not. It goes as fast as time spent playing around on website does. God, this would probably be even more tedious live. One woman is booed by the audience before being deemed "NOT." Nice. Ooh, I like Ken Kim from Chicago. So yeah, like thirty-two people come out. Do I have to say all of their names? Thanks. One woman is deemed "NOT," and the decision is booed loudly by the audience. No one lynches La Lamas, though. Boos, like horseshoes and hand grenades, don't count. As we exit the segment, a sad piano plays, and a guy actually cries and says, "It's not worth it, it's not worth working out." He is a "Hot/Not Casualty." Aww! Just kidding. What an idiot. Did they hold a gun to your head, George?

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Are You Hot?

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