Okay, are you still with me? Still nauseous and cranky? Got plenty of booze and a place to hurl? Am I still not fired? ["Yes." -- Sars] We've made some kind of headway in this train wreck, if you want to call eliminating cheese from curd progress. Eight people have been selected as the hottest people in Zone 1, the Northeast. They are Cari, a pretty blonde; Jonathan, a dull brown-headed dude; Nicki, the Ft. Lauderdale disaster that Lorenzo Lamas wants to make his newest bride; my boyfriend Ken Kim (call me! I love you!); Lisa, a cute brunette; Kevin, the poor blond guy whose mouth shook after the judges demanded they see his teeth; my fave of the women, Cherika; and Travis, another International Male brunette. Tonight, the eight will get chopped down to two, and we'll see more people get ranked, judged, and humiliated (but don't feel bad for them, they volunteered for this) from the Southeast region. All to answer "the burning question: Are? You? Hot?" Sigh. Are you still with me?
Hey look, it's JD. Sorry about your job, dude. Hey, you gotta put food on the table, right? Or, buy Brylcream and Clairol for Men and QT to match that flaming orange set and orange shirt they made you wear. JD gets right to the point: "Let's find out right now who America chose as its semifinalists from Zone 1!" The music gets pulse-y and very Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. But why draw it out for you at home? I can just tell you their names without going "bamp bamp bamp bamp bamp bamp bamp bamp bamp!" In fact, that's just what I'll do. Yup, that's it all right. Bamp.
Okay, the men are Travis and Kevin, the mouth-trembler. JD is all, "Congratulations, you are HOT!" And then to my poor sweet boyfriend Ken Kim and the other one, "Sorry, gentlemen, you are not hot enough to advance." By their standards, he means. Ken, you are hot enough for me. Screw this show. The lights go down on the unchosen. Sigh. For the women (bamp bamp bamp bamp!), it's Lisa and Cari. Aww! My fave woman Cherika didn't make it either! Dare I say that this show might be biased against the non-white? I mean, look at the numbers. It's just like real life, but with cheesier theme music and bad graphics. JD says that we'll see these four from the Northeast again in a few weeks. Unless the show gets canceled. He doesn't say that, but I do.
Cari says "thank you" a few dozen times to the viewing audience that voted for her. She must have a big family, because Lord knows I didn't vote for her. Then she says she "totally wants to do this" (what -- be humiliated?) and that this has been "the most exciting experience in [her] life." I wonder if Cari has ever met a beer bong.