Lisa, the brunette whom I will now pull for, says she and Cari are "very different" and "may the best woman win." Of the two, she means. Nicki, the future Mrs. Lorenzo Lamas (or the TFMLL, because I am sure there will be future TFMLLs in store during the run of this show, even if it gets canceled after tonight's episode), says she was "robbed" and that the voters "made a wrong decision." Or maybe, Nicki, you just weren't hot enough. Ever think of that, TFMLL? Well? Did you? Huh?
And now, the Southeast people take the stage. JD, looking like he's wearing a ton of bronzer (his cheeks are the color of his burnt sienna shirt), says the same schtick about talent being overrated. The laugh track hiccups behind him. He says that he and the people that write his checks only care about one thing: "Are you hot." The audience claps and "woos" judiciously. Hey, you guys? We get it. And shut up. Let's meet the "panel of experts!" Randolph Duke, in a black suit and paisley-print shirt; Rachel Hunter in a little black dress; and the chiseled steel cheekbones and equal amounts of hair gel and self-tanner, "international superstar" Lorenzo Lamas in a...shirt? Which looks a little like acid-wash, but in black? Or maybe it's some kind of batik? Or, um, a white shirt tie-dyed black? It's very International Male catalog, whatever it is -- and what could be more fitting for the "international superstar" such as Messr. Lamas?
Okay, here's the part where like thirty-two people prance out on stage and stand under the giant light-up sign which reads "HOT" (in red) or "NOT" (in blue), and it dings or buzzes as it lights up. Do I really have to say all of their names? I'll just note the most outrageous/heinous/disastrous ones for you. Okay, Kimberly from Georgia comes out in jeans and a pink tee (very modest garb for such a sleazy show). She has huge boobs, a dark tan, and what I like to call My Pretty Pony hair. It's big. Real big. It probably adds an inch to her height. Her hair is to Kimberly what phone books are to Paula Abdul. We get a close-up of Lamas gulping lasciviously. But -- bzzrt! -- Kimberly is deemed "NOT" by the audience. At this point, only one chick and three dudes have been deemed hot. I think the question could be posed: Are the judges gay? Ding ding ding!
Oh, wow, we have another Lawson. He's an "aspiring model" and he totally does the Zoolander face when he comes to a stop in front of the judges. And he's wearing a shirt with -- wait for it -- French cuffs! I hate French cuffs! And dudes named Lawson! Hold on, I have to write a letter.