Are You Hot?
Hot Zone 2: Southeast

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Alex Richmond is, sadly, still not fired

Another guy in giant board shorts. Sigh. Randy gives this one 5s and 4s, is booed by the audience. He whips around and chastises them. "Hey! We are picking the sexiest man in America here! It's time to get tough!" Hey, Randy? It's just a stupid show on ABC. It's not even FOX. No one cares! What a freak.

Hey, it's Butter Jones, the one with almost normal-sized thighs. She comes out with a strong attitude and shades. I love this girl. She's pretty and tough. Randy asks her if she "like[s] butter with her biscuits." The crowd "oooh"s. She says, "Only when it comes with a lotta bread." See what she's doing there? She's messing with him! Randy says she "doesn't have the biscuits," and she says she's a hairdresser and can "do something with that receding hairline." The crowd goes crazy. Randy puts on his sunglasses, clearly stung (maybe he's cwying a wittle bit?), and says he liked the attitude but lost him "with the shade," because "that is no way to win this competition." Hey -- Butter doesn't kiss ass. And she just served you some of what you've been dishing out all night, mister man. I can't wait to see Lorenzo cry. You know it's coming. Anyway, Randy gives Butter a 2 for overall sex appeal. Butter, I give you a hundred. With hot fudge on top. Lorenzo gives her a "6.9 for the face." Oh, ho ho. A 6.9. That's Bill and Ted's favorite decimal point.

Hey, a guy in a small bathing suit! Hooray! He gets high points from all the judges. And Lorenzo says he "like[s] the sweetness coming out from behind those eyes." The eyes, is it?

Ooh, another guy in a tiny swimsuit! It's orange. He's got bleached-blond tight curly hair, and Randy says his swimsuit and hair are "too bright." He even guesses that he and "Li'l Kim must have the same hairdresser." Hey, would you say that to a white guy, Randy? The contestant's face (a dead ringer for Cuba Gooding Jr. -- so cute!) falls a little. And I think I can see his nuts shrink. Aww!

One cute brunette is wearing a bikini and, um, boots. Whuh? Rachel calls her look "tasteful" and gives her a 9.9. But Lorenzo asks that she remove her boots. She won't give, and I give her a 10 for guts, balls, and spine. So Lorenzo whips out his "flaw-finder," or the laser-pointer just like the ones they use on The Howard Stern Show, but in green. He says he can't see her thighs touching anywhere between the hip and the knee, and deducts points from her score. Hey, Lorenzo? Deduct this.

And a third guy in a small bathing suit! We have a wiener! I mean, hooray for scantily-clad men. It's orange with trompe l'oeil to look like pockets and a fly. Randy asks what he has on under those trunks, and he flashes his ass (and also reveals that he's wearing a black jockstrap). Randy calmly writes down his score. First prize! First prize!

Oh, god. A very pretty brunette, Valerie, is told that Lorenzo has "a burrito cooking down south and it's almost ready." Oh, ew. Lorenzo Lamas, you are disgusting. Poor Valerie just says weakly that she's "ready for it."

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Are You Hot?

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