See? Told you.
One guy comes out and has Gene Simmons' tongue. Gene's from the rock band KISS, in case you don't know. Rachel screams and needs to be fanned. He's totally going to win. He has the ultimate combination of tacky, sleazy, obvious, and already been done.
Randy goes a little crazy with one contestant who's only eighteen. He says he'd like to see her in a "naughty schoolgirl" outfit, and that her body has that "baby fat" still on, "which makes it all the more succulent." She makes a face like, ew, this old guy said I'm succulent. What's "succulent" mean? Lorenzo says she's "very mature for [her] age." Ooh, child, things are gonna get easier.
Here comes FauxVin. Rachel says she "like[s] [his] head." Mmm-hmmm. Randy notes his eight-pack and asks if he "has an extra two anywhere else." FauxVin looks skyward. I can tell you right now, the Lord is not watching this.
Oh, my. Carly has some junk in the trunk. Her cellulite causes gasps among the audience. Lorenzo says she's "a volcano waiting to erupt...and it's getting pretty hot in here." That's cool -- she had pudge and wasn't judged too cruelly. But she's not going to win. I asked my pot belly, and it jiggled a "noooo."
Oh man, a guy with laugh lines is up. Randy says he "loves the character" in his face, "you know, the Mel Gibson thing." The old fart thing. Yeah, Hollywood loves that the best. Next to eighteen-year-old girls. Or the girls on top. Yeah, Hollywood loves that.
And now, the "moment we have all been waiting for," a.k.a. the elimination round. Where sixteen become eight. Bamp bamp bamp bamp bamp. Wow, a very white white guy with the name Shipley Ellis is picked. Then Billy, then Eric (Bo D'Eric), then FauxVin (a.k.a. Tony). Now the women. Bamp bamp bamp bamp bamp. Ivy Shinkle! Has to tinkle. Renee. Jessica, the Courteney Cox look-alike, and last, Amber Lancaster. Hooray for the top eight.