Hello, everyone. Thanks for showing up for the recap. Hey, since you're reading this, why not sign up for the mailing list? Or not, because then the show will get canceled off the site. As a matter of fact, forget I said anything.
First things first: Let's see which of last week's eight (from the Southeast) make it to finals. Oh goody! I can't wait! Not! Good evening, JD Roberto. Name the names, already. Bamp bamp bamp bamp bamp bamp bamp bamp! I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think FOX would have done a better job with this crap. They would have taken the subject less seriously and poked more fun at everything -- the contestants, the audience, the judges, the sponsors. Well, maybe not them. And FOX would have picked judges known to an audience born after 1985 instead of a dried-up old supermodel, a designer who can't get Target to return his calls, and the leader of the geriatric Lost Boys, Lorenzo Lamas. So yeah, bamp bamp bamp bamp bamp bamp bamp bamp...for the men, White -- I mean, "Ryan," and then Bread, or "Kevin." Is it worth noting that none of them are named Lawson? Sorry, Jameel! My heart goes out to you, Luciano! Try to be whiter next time, okay? Or maybe just less brown.
And now the women. Bamp bamp bamp bamp bamp bamp bamp bamp! The winners are Milque and Toast. Or rather Chantille, who is wearing an orange top, white pumps (!), and jeans of which the legs are entirely cut off. It's got a zipper, then nothing. I wonder if her white belt has magical powers. The other winner from the women's team is named Valerie White. No, seriously. No. Seriously. Congratulations to all the "winners."
The winners get to have their say. It is "so awesome," says Chantille. One of the guys (either White or Bread -- it's really hard to tell them apart. They all look the same to me) says that "all this attention" is surprising. What a moron. YOU ENTERED A PAGEANT -- what were you expecting, that people would read or take naps while you pranced around in a bathing suit? And now, words from the "not hot enough." Luciano says he had "hope[d] and expect[ed] to go further." Oh, Luciano. You are so pretty.
And now, the thirty-two or so "hottest people in the Northwest" come out and are rung or buzzed, redded or blued, or called "HOT" or "NOT." First up is that girl from the first ep who our judges (Rachel Hunter, Randolph Duke, and Messr. Lamas) thought had a giant horsy face (their opinion, not mine). When she prances out, all boobs, silky hair, and flowing dress, my boyfriend Ben is aghast when she's buzzed "NOT." Hey, this is a SERIOUS COMPETITION, man.
Next up is a rocker type I like to call "Fraggle." He has that neo-mod shaggy haircut and a black top, and while he tries his best to vamp and Zoolander it up, the crowd boos and he is buzzed "NOT." Oh, it's so tough up there. Tougher than Lorenzo's leathery tanned hide. Why, Lorenzo's leather vest is softer than that hide. His hide is tougher than his tattoo, even.