Are You Hot?
Hot Zone 3: Northwest

Episode Report Card
Still not canceled. Can you believe it?

One guy comes out with total Dick Tracy face. He totally has a five-head. Rachel notes that he must tweeze his eyebrows, and he says he's Italian and would have a uni-brow otherwise. Rachel agrees that "it would be tragic" if he came out with monobrow. Then she tries to rally for support by asking the "ladies" in the audience if they wouldn't turn their heads when Fivehead Unibrow goes by. The women seat-fillers "woo," but are drowned out by many men booing far more loudly. Rachel says, "Shut up, shut up!" and goes back to looking pissy. Aww. Awww!

One woman who is a dead ringer for Courteney Cox gets critiqued by Randy for having uneven breasts. Rachel, finally settling into her role as the Paula, says she "cannot believe" Randy took off points for that. She says, "The men should take their balls out." WOW, I now love Rachel. It's true, I've never seen symmetrical nuts. Not in a dish, not in a Snickers, and not on a man. The crowd goes crazy, and JD says he'll "pass." Bock bock, JD. Lorenzo gets out his laser pointer and finds stretch marks. Grrr.

The guy with the Bo Derek hair gets high marks from Lorenzo. Rachel doesn't like "the Milli Vanilli hair."

Oh no -- crying time. Aja says she "doesn't think it could get any worse that having someone critique your body and your face." Oh, Aja. Have you ever heard of some of the human rights atrocities committed on the continent that bears your name? Or did you think you were trying out for Joe Millionaire or something? Maybe All-American Girl? Have you seen the promos for that? Just when I thought the women's movement couldn't be sullied any more.

Oh no, someone came out in a thong. Lorenzo chews the table and looks up to heaven in silent thanks. I'm thankful that he's silent. Lorenzo gives her two 10s, and, I assume, his phone number.

Wow, Rob, the black man with the 'fro, made unusual choices. He's wearing old man thrift-store pants with the waistband turned down and the legs chopped up. I like his unconventional spirit. But it won't help him win. Lorenzo tells him he "needs to put on fifteen pounds, bro." Shut up, Lorenzo. He looks fantastic.

One lady comes out, and Lorenzo says, "There's a great sense of heat happening. You're giving it to me, baby!" Her smile fades. It's official: Everyone hates Lorenzo. Here's a transcript of a conversation Sars and I had the other night.

Sars: God, why won't they cancel it? Lorenzo Lamas is tearing the fabric of America.

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Are You Hot?




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