Hey, Shawn, gimme a beat! Preferably something that a guy with a nipple ring and sandblasted wide-legged jeans can come out and give a good Blue Steel to. Oh, the magic of music! Nipple Ring is dinged "HOT." So is a blonde; so is a black woman; so is a curly-haired, square-jawed man from San Diego. Aww, the girl who Rachel said had a "Betty Boop" outfit on (black pencil skirt, stripey top, red platform heels) is buzzed "NOT." Aww, she's so cute! Wow, they're really padding out this segment, cutting away to audience reactions and letting the contestants linger on stage for a bit after they are dinged or buzzed. JD even gets to yelp a few times. "Hot! She's hot!" Case in point: a Pilates instructor named Robert comes out, strikes a pose, and chomps his gum. Cut to Randolph Duke, who makes a moue of distaste, then shifts in his seat. We cut back to Robert, then hear ZZZAP! "NOT." This show is all about the little things.

Hee, there's a hairdresser named Sergio! "NOT."

Hey, Candace, the turkey's done. And so are you. "NOT."

Wow, a tae kwan do instructor, Robert, is like Lorenzo Lite. He has similar hair, features, and smug, lascivious air. And he's dinged through. "HOT."

Oh, wow, it's Jamal with the French cuffs and atty-tood. Bzzt! "NOT."

Snerk -- a kick-boxing instructor comes out with a faux-leopard vest on. It's a rather long vest, hitting well below the hip. And of course there's no shirt underneath. And yet! Ding! "HOT."

Oh, snap, they deemed the thirty-year-old "NOT." No they di'in't!

Wow, a female correctional officer with biceps of steel is buzzed "NOT." I hope she beats up the judges. Because her arms look strong. And she probably knows some good chokeholds and stuff. Because she works in jail, see?

Have you heard about the lovely losers? They cry and stuff. It's hilarious. One lady, deemed "not hot enough," cries and wipes her eyes as she recalls her moment in the sun: "everyone was standing up and clapping...[she doesn't] know what the HELL the judges were thinking." My dear, they aren't thinking at all. Not with their brains, anyway. And you know what? Neither should you be. Hell, I'm not. It's just easier this way.