And now, "our" "experts" will judge the contestants "one by one." In swimwear. Hooray.

The woman from Hawaii comes out first, and she's curvy as hell. Hourglasses everywhere are shamed. Rachel gives her high marks, and notes that it's nice to see someone who isn't "stick-thin." Then La Duke asks what happens when guys' eyes "drift down there." She says that she "likes to let everyone know that [her] tits are real." The crowd goes wild. Of course. But I'm puzzled -- so, when guys talk to her chest, she just says that her tits are real? Would they even hear her? What if they heard "grits are a meal"? Or "pits hard to heal"? Or maybe "shits on a seal?" Lorenzo says that if he were stranded on a desert island, he'd only need her, then gives her his highest marks yet -- 9.5 for her face, 10 for her body, and 9.8 for sex appeal. Go, Hawaii!

Hey, Jayson? Pukka shells? Rachel asks him to take it off…and he does. She says that "it seems like [he's] been smokin' a bit." Wow, is that a shout-out? She gives him a 6.9 on his weak, non-worked out body. Ooh, she likes him! She wants to smoke up and have 69, without the pukka shells. Woo!

Hee! David, a handsome black man, comes out and La Duke makes him spin. Then he has the cameras pan down to capture the little tuft of hair above the waistband of his bathing suit. Hee, and ew. Rachel gives him three 10s. And when we go to commercial, David says tearfully that he's "going to make [his] mom proud," and that she's going to be happy when she sees this. He's choking up. His eyes are wet. The chunks rise in my throat.

Brooke prances out in something a little more unusual than a bikini. She has on sweet brown boy-cut bottoms with a little belt, and a paisley tank top sort of thing. Her hair is pulled back in a messy bun, but the strangest thing of all is how she walks out to face the judges. She sort of tiptoes, and swipes at her hair all the way out. She's like a little blonde bird. Randy says she's cute, and she says, "Thanks, punkin!" La Duke goes on to say that she looks like a ballerina and that she "reeks femininity." She concurs; she was a ballerina. And "thanks, Mr. Duke." Lorenzo says she's "like a delicate flower," but "that isn't very sexy." Oh my god. Is it possible to commit seppuku with a canister of whipped cream? Let me try.