Here comes the kick boxer, who tells the camera before coming onstage that "any kind of attention is good." And there we have every contestant's reason for coming on this show. Is it a true statement? Of course not.

One woman comes out, and Lorenzo tries to guess her measurements: "34-21-25?" She doesn't correct him, just say that he's "sorta close." He says, "Well, that's the combination to my heart." Then he simpers. It's sickening. I'd try to kill myself with whipped cream, but I ate it all and am still alive, dammit. The contestant grins hugely.

And here comes Nipple Ring. Just one! It's on the right, what does that mean? That he thinks he's straight? Oh, and he's a so-called "entrepreneur." What does that mean? Businessman? Or maybe "thinks about having a job"? Before he comes out, he tells the cameras that he's like a "rhino," and, sounding like he's from a Hot Zone different from 4, the Southwest, he says what it is rhinos do. "Chaaaaahhge." Rachel makes him spin around, and he does. When he tugs at the waistband of his swimsuit, you can see his hands trembling. Oh, Nipple Ring. Is that what rhinos do? Do they tremble?

Hey, only eight more bathing suit people to go. Thanks for telling me, JD.

One girl comes out with a ginormo mole near her nose. Nice to mole you. Meet you! Nice to meet your mole. Moley moley moley! Lorenzo makes her turn around to show her non-moley ass off, and says he's just reminding the "viewers at home what they're tuning in for." Yes, ABC, the ass network. I mean, where else could these viewers see an ass? Why, I just have no idea.

FauxLamas is here. Rachel rips into him, saying that "the only thing that concerns [her] is the, um, the likeness of Fabio and getting into that, um, cheesy thing?" That is great. La Duke says they should cast him as a bad guy in the next Bond film. Don't you mean the next Triple X?

Lorenzo calls one woman "very smoky." The hell?

One guy comes out and looks jaundiced. I mean, literally yellow in the face. When he rubs his hands together, his pecs dance. Oh, ugh. La Duke gets miffed when he says he "was born ready," because cockiness is not sexy. I'm learning so much from this pile of crap show.