Now, there's some private moments with the "winners." Shipley says that when his name was called, he thought his "ears were gonna fall off," since his "smile" would have "knocked them off." Not Lorenzo's throbbing penis? Renee goes through a rapid series of "oh my god"s and screeches. FauxVin says quite seriously that his heart was pounding and he "seriously" could have fallen over. Amber says with a small, nasty smile that she's "where [she] is today because America thinks [she's] hot." You mean, sitting smugly in that chair, talking to the camera? What an incredible place to be. I bet sooo many people are jealous. Oh, wait -- here come the "losers" to make her point. Jessica, a Courteney Cox look-alike, says with wet eyes that she "wish[es] them the best of luck with their fame and fortune [sniff], and [she's] still going to get [hers]." Hey, that's almost reasonable-sounding. But isn't that chair Jessica was sitting in the same chair Amber was in? Mmm-hmm.
All right, we're already familiar with the premise (are they hot, or not?), the setting (live audience hooting seemingly at will), and the judges (model Rachel "Ex-Mrs. Rod Stewart -- Why Did She Ever Let Him Go? She's So Lonely" Hunter, designer Randolph "I May Have Shown My Penis To A Co-Worker, But I Still Have Good Taste, Really!" Duke, and actor Lorenzo "I Am Utterly Vile And Repugnant, Even To Lowbrow Aficionados Like Jimmy Kimmel And The Very Bandanna Around My Tanned, Leather Neck" Lamas), so let's have at it. The flesh parade begins.
Hey, Shawn, gimme a beat! Preferably something that a guy with a nipple ring and sandblasted wide-legged jeans can come out and give a good Blue Steel to. Oh, the magic of music! Nipple Ring is dinged "HOT." So is a blonde; so is a black woman; so is a curly-haired, square-jawed man from San Diego. Aww, the girl who Rachel said had a "Betty Boop" outfit on (black pencil skirt, stripey top, red platform heels) is buzzed "NOT." Aww, she's so cute! Wow, they're really padding out this segment, cutting away to audience reactions and letting the contestants linger on stage for a bit after they are dinged or buzzed. JD even gets to yelp a few times. "Hot! She's hot!" Case in point: a Pilates instructor named Robert comes out, strikes a pose, and chomps his gum. Cut to Randolph Duke, who makes a moue of distaste, then shifts in his seat. We cut back to Robert, then hear ZZZAP! "NOT." This show is all about the little things.
Hee, there's a hairdresser named Sergio! "NOT."