Hey, Candace, the turkey's done. And so are you. "NOT."
Wow, a tae kwan do instructor, Robert, is like Lorenzo Lite. He has similar hair, features, and smug, lascivious air. And he's dinged through. "HOT."
Oh, wow, it's Jamal with the French cuffs and atty-tood. Bzzt! "NOT."
Snerk -- a kick-boxing instructor comes out with a faux-leopard vest on. It's a rather long vest, hitting well below the hip. And of course there's no shirt underneath. And yet! Ding! "HOT."
Oh, snap, they deemed the thirty-year-old "NOT." No they di'in't!
Wow, a female correctional officer with biceps of steel is buzzed "NOT." I hope she beats up the judges. Because her arms look strong. And she probably knows some good chokeholds and stuff. Because she works in jail, see?
Have you heard about the lovely losers? They cry and stuff. It's hilarious. One lady, deemed "not hot enough," cries and wipes her eyes as she recalls her moment in the sun: "everyone was standing up and clapping...[she doesn't] know what the HELL the judges were thinking." My dear, they aren't thinking at all. Not with their brains, anyway. And you know what? Neither should you be. Hell, I'm not. It's just easier this way.
And now, "our" "experts" will judge the contestants "one by one." In swimwear. Hooray.
The woman from Hawaii comes out first, and she's curvy as hell. Hourglasses everywhere are shamed. Rachel gives her high marks, and notes that it's nice to see someone who isn't "stick-thin." Then La Duke asks what happens when guys' eyes "drift down there." She says that she "likes to let everyone know that [her] tits are real." The crowd goes wild. Of course. But I'm puzzled -- so, when guys talk to her chest, she just says that her tits are real? Would they even hear her? What if they heard "grits are a meal"? Or "pits hard to heal"? Or maybe "shits on a seal?" Lorenzo says that if he were stranded on a desert island, he'd only need her, then gives her his highest marks yet -- 9.5 for her face, 10 for her body, and 9.8 for sex appeal. Go, Hawaii!
Hey, Jayson? Pukka shells? Rachel asks him to take it off…and he does. She says that "it seems like [he's] been smokin' a bit." Wow, is that a shout-out? She gives him a 6.9 on his weak, non-worked out body. Ooh, she likes him! She wants to smoke up and have 69, without the pukka shells. Woo!
Hee! David, a handsome black man, comes out and La Duke makes him spin. Then he has the cameras pan down to capture the little tuft of hair above the waistband of his bathing suit. Hee, and ew. Rachel gives him three 10s. And when we go to commercial, David says tearfully that he's "going to make [his] mom proud," and that she's going to be happy when she sees this. He's choking up. His eyes are wet. The chunks rise in my throat.